Best Friend Tells You She has Feelings for You?!

[GrungeEquestrian]

Ok, I NEVER thought I would be in this situation, but here I am. This school year I became very close friends with this girl in my grade, lets call her Kelly. Kelly, freshman and some of sophomore year was classified as one of the "weird" kids and there were a lot of bad rumors about her. She kinda had the gothic fashion and a mean glare in the hall, but after becoming friends with her she talked about the problems she went through. Her parent's divorce etc, and she really changed and opened up Junior year (when we became friends). Everything was going good, she was a bit clingy at times and sometimes insanely jealous of my other girlfriends. Even to a point where after the last day of finals we all went out for lunch, and as I drove her back she informed me almost angrily that my friend Nicole was flirting with me. That I brushed off, being insanely confused about it....

Anyway after breaking up with my last boyfriend she was there for me. Calling me all the time and making sure everything was going well. She never liked my ex and said she didn't mind him as a person, but didn't like us together. I thought this meant that he acted differently around me...not the case. We used to talk on the phone all the time, and although she could be annoying I felt I had someone always there for me. After being asked out by my current boyfriend Kelly called me a slut...and other nice nouns because I kissed him :huh: and how he being older just meant he was using me. I again brushed it off and over the summer stopped answering her seven calls a night, because point one we never had anything to talk about anymore and she just isn't a really good phone conversationist. One particular night, she called me about 11 times, 3 times as I was on the phone with my boyfriend, and the other 8 while I was asleep. The next morning I check my facebook to see this nasty comment "thanking" me for answering the phone. I told her I was asleep, and she said it wasn't a good excuse. I was mad at this point until my friend Alice called me and said that Kelly had to talk to me and only wanted to talk to me. I then felt like a really bad friend that something had happened with her dad. I called her and she says that nothing happened, it wasn't a sitution, and she wasn't mad at me, there was just something she wanted to tell me and felt brave the night before but now didn't want to tell me. I told her she could tell me anything, and to call when she felt ok to tell me. She leaves me a facebook message that night that she has loved me since freshman year and that she doesn't understand my mixed signals :huh:. I politely apologized to her, but told her I have never had feelings for another girl and I was as straight as my hair (very). She was silent and hung up and every since we have been trying to stay friends. Its just hard for me, I look back and see all the little signals she gave me, and how I took a lot as jokes. And its just awkward on the phone, and she continues to call me. One of the mean rumors about her freshman year was that she was bi, and I found out that was actually a statement.

Any advice, I really don't know what to do. I don't want to alienate her, though I wonder if her being there for me after my break up wasn't all giving, but her hoping that almost she could rebound. I don't know, I'm so confused...two weeks after she started going out with this guy, and we have hardly talked since. After writing this, I see she wasn't the greatest friend, but its not like me to ignore someone altogether that I was once close to.


Also whoever read the whole thing, thanks and you deserve a cookie :D!

[Fjords <3]

Wow, that's confusing lol! There's a few bi kids that I know at my school and they're really nice, but I've never been in your situation! You told her how you feel though, and that's good. Just try to put it behind you and just tell her you still want to be friends. That's what I would do.

[WashingtonBay]

Uhhh.... yeah... I've been there.

No chance of it not being a little awkward for a little while, but just be clear. I originally said "Well, I don't swing that way, but talk to me if I'm still single at 40" and that really wasn't clear enough. But eventually, we got through that and other challenges and are still friends, so if the friendship is really a life friendship, you'll work it out.

If it's like so many high school friendships that are more about habit and proximity than any real compatibility, then it will fade away along with high school.

My biggest problem with this friend of yours is not that she 'likes' you. It's that she's got a mean streak and she's not nice.

[Horseaholic]

This is tough...but first and foremost I think you should step aside and think how you would react if this were a guy friend telling you this. It's awkward and different for her to be a girl telling you this but you should at least step aside and try to make it a little less awkward in your mind so you can get your thoughts straight.

I think that you did the right thing by telling her that you were sorry if you gave her the wrong impression. Has she brought up the convo since? I don't think it's fair to be all super freaked out just because she's a girl telling you she has feeling for you. (I mean yes, it's different and not the norm but feelings are feelings) I'd make sure to keep your signals as clear as possible that you like or love your current boyfriend and you'd really appreciate her to respect both of you. I think thats really all you can do. If you drift apart than you drift apart there isn't much you can do about it. If she can't respect the both of you then tell her that you're really sorry but if she can't respect your relationship than you can't be friends. It isn't fair to anyone.

[Horseaholic]

My biggest problem with this friend of yours is not that she 'likes' you. It's that she's got a mean streak and she's not nice.

I agree here too. Just be careful.

- I'd like to share a story similar to WBs with you but I don't want it out on the internet because it may hurt someone if somehow they find this forum. If you'd like to hear it I'll PM ya but if not that's fine too :)

[GrungeEquestrian]

Thanks so much guys. I really would like to stay friends with her, how good of friends I'm not sure.

The one thing I don't really like and has seemed to have gotten worse and WB mentioned is her mean streak. Honestly I don't think she respects my relationships, especially this one. Because until my previous boyfriend, I spend more time with my current one than her. I know I need to talk to her, especially on this issue. Even if I mention his name before her confession or after it was always "ew" or "gross". The first thing she told me when she saw the picture of him on facebook was that he was ugly. I guess this is my one big problem from doing my part to making this friendship work.

Like the other day she left a nice comment on a tagged picture of me that the shirt I was wearing was one of the only shirts I owned. My boyfriend then commented that he thought I looked very pretty in that shirt. She then commented "ew", he commented "well she does", and then she put that she thought I got the point. I know she doesn't like him, but honestly at the moment if I were to loose one of them in my life I would pick Kelly.

[GrungeEquestrian]

- I'd like to share a story similar to WBs with you but I don't want it out on the internet because it may hurt someone if somehow they find this forum. If you'd like to hear it I'll PM ya but if not that's fine too
Thanks so much Michelle, my internet is being really slow tonight. But I'll probably PM you in the morning.

[natisha]

I get the cookie! This is an easy one. You said you have nothing in common with her, find it difficult to carry on a conversation & find it trying being her friend. Do you want to be her friend? If so, on what basis? She is probably upset, embarrassed, and maybe a little mad that she invested so much time with you and it's not going to go anywhere (the way she wants it to). You can never just be friends with her as long as she has a romantic interest in you, it may be best to write off this friendship. Tell her you're flattered but you have no desire to swing that way, but if you ever change your mind she will be the first to know. Wouldn't worry about it, sometimes a bad friend will replaced by two good ones

[Horseaholic]

Then pick Kelly. Tell her that if she can't be respectful and civil than you can't be friends. Tell her that if she truly cares about you even just as a friend then she needs to support you in your relationship...because that's what friends do. If you are happy and he treats you well then she should be happy for you.

[WashingtonBay]

You can't get respect if you have to ask for it. Not really.

She's not a nice person and she's willing to hurt you or undermine your relationships to try to 'get' you. This is a person I would avoid like the plague, to tell the truth, and not because she has a crush on you.

Seriously. Life is challenging enough dealing with the people you don't have much choice about (family, school, workplace) without inviting mean, manipulative people into your free time as well.

My two cents. :)

[Arrow]

I have to agree--time to stop returning Kelly's phonecalls and find ways to be busy when she wants to get together. She doesn't sound like a nice person at all--she's draining your energy rather than bringing joy to your life.

[carla]

Could you think of it this way: If she were a guy acting like this, would you put up with it? Not sure if someone already said that, but it was the first thing that popped into my mind. :)

Although.... if it were a guy, then it would eliminate the issue of you not being attracted to women. Hmm, there's a flaw in my thought process. Off to think some more.. :crazy:

[Horseaholic]

Could you think of it this way: If she were a guy acting like this, would you put up with it? Not sure if someone already said that, but it was the first thing that popped into my mind. :)

Although.... if it were a guy, then it would eliminate the issue of you not being attracted to women. Hmm, there's a flaw in my thought process. Off to think some more.. :crazy:


lol I said to step aside and pretend she was a guy. I think that's a good way to look at it! lol Our though process is not flawed! ;) She just ins't attracted to this Kelly whether Kelly were a he or a she.

[carla]

LOL oh good Shadyhill.. sorry for repeating you, though! I guess it could still work like you say. :D

[Horseaholic]

nahh don't be sorry for repeating! You're only making me look good. ;) LOL I'm kiddinggg.

[Ragnar Danneskjold]

I probably shouldn't stick my nose in here... but... You may have been her best friend, but from what I can tell she was never yours. For better or worse, the situation has changed whether you would want it or not. We don't get to go back and have things like they used to be, or thought they were. We're stuck with things as they are.

Curiously enough, I had a similar thing happen in college. A guy on my dorm floor that had been a good friend and drinking buddy for a couple of years... long story short... made a similar confession one day. Outtafreakingnowhere. I told him that I seriously respected the guts it took to say that, but sorry... my bread just isn't buttered that way. It did ultimately end the friendship-- not because of me but because of him. He was really uncomfortable about it (and as it turned out a great many other things) and left the college.

In every lifetime, really excellent friends come and go. it's not good or bad, it just is.

[quest]

Sorry you have to deal with this, i'm guessing certain things that seemed normal before almost feel akward now. It certainly doesn't seem like she has been a good friend lately and it seems the longer time passes the more jealous she is becoming. You know that you two will never be "together" she's secretly hoping that you are in love with her and just don't know it yet. She's gonna try everything to make you realize that, even though you already told her you don't go that way. Be nice of course, but she doesn't sound like she is the type of person that is supportive of you and happy for you when you are happy. That is not a good friend.

[Steelhorserider]

It sounds like Kelly is a very controlling, mean person who was never really your friend. It doesn't matter if it is a person of the same sex or the opposite sex, it is still a very uncomfortable situation. If you step out of the situation and look at it, it makes perfect sense why she made the comments about all your boyfriends and why she was so "needy". You may need to drop her to stop the drama. You may want to keep the friendship but she is acted liked a jilted lover.

[menagerie]

You can't get respect if you have to ask for it. Not really.

She's not a nice person and she's willing to hurt you or undermine your relationships to try to 'get' you. This is a person I would avoid like the plague, to tell the truth, and not because she has a crush on you.

Seriously. Life is challenging enough dealing with the people you don't have much choice about (family, school, workplace) without inviting mean, manipulative people into your free time as well.

My two cents. :)

Amen! Nuff said!

[IrisGreen]

I think you have some really good advice here but It's not going to work in your situation. Only because, You have to get YOUR head straight and treat her like any other friend, if that's what you want her to be. It's not up to you weather you can be friends or not, it's up to her and her behavior.

You need to put your foot down with her like you would with any other friend. I'm sorry but if a friend of mine went on some site and posts about how that's my only shirt and referred to my boyfriend as "Ew" she would surely be on her way out the door! The only reason you are tolerating her bad behavior is because you feel like you did something wrong to give her the wrong signals and you want to fix it. It's not your job to fix it, you already told her you don't swing that way and she is continuing to say bad things, post bad things and talk badly about your boyfriend. What kind of friend is that?

I would confront her every time she says, posts or makes an "Ew" comment about your boyfriend. Tell her "Please, don't talk about my boyfriend like that, if you were a true friend you would never say that to me or try to hurt me".

Don't make this about how you would like to keep a friendship, make it about weather SHE can be a good friend to you or not. If not, cut her lose! She needs to learn what is not going to be tolerated and how her little snotty comments are just going to make you mad instead of push you away from you boyfriend like she wants.

Stop acting like you can fix the friendship, it's not in your hands anymore, it's all on her if she can deal with just being your friend and being supportive of you, your relationships and your feelings. But, it is up to you to put your foot down and not tolerate any disrespect or comments about how your boyfriend is ugly or you only have one shirt. You should not put up with that from anyone, let alone step on eggshells around the person that said it just because she can't deal with the fact she can't have you.

Treat her like any other friend, put her in her place if she needs it and she will be the one to show you if she is capable of being a good friend or not. Don't drag this out or tip toe around her just because she has feelings for you. This only makes it worse, you already put your foot down that you don't swing that way. Now put your foot down that you don't keep people in your life that put you down or talk badly about your boyfriend for no reason.

Once you put your foot down she will shape up and realize she needs to be a better friend if she truly wants to stay in your life OR she will show you that she can't be just a friend and continue to make her "Ew" comments and be jealous.

Personally, I don't think she can handle just being a good friend. I think she will always be a ball a chain, nagging in the back ground about your "ugly" boyfriend and why don't you spend more time with her or pick up the phone every time she calls and bla bla bla. But, I will let her prove that to you for herself once you put your foot down and stop tolerating her jealous behavior.

[42many]

With friends like that, who needs enemies?

[GrungeEquestrian]

You need to put your foot down with her like you would with any other friend. I'm sorry but if a friend of mine went on some site and posts about how that's my only shirt and referred to my boyfriend as "Ew" she would surely be on her way out the door! The only reason you are tolerating her bad behavior is because you feel like you did something wrong to give her the wrong signals and you want to fix it. It's not your job to fix it, you already told her you don't swing that way and she is continuing to say bad things, post bad things and talk badly about your boyfriend. What kind of friend is that?

Thanks IrisGreen, and yeah you are absolutely right. I feel terrible, and after writing all of this I've realized or gotten out of denial of what a horrible friend she has really been to me.

I get the cookie! This is an easy one. You said you have nothing in common with her, find it difficult to carry on a conversation & find it trying being her friend. Do you want to be her friend? If so, on what basis? She is probably upset, embarrassed, and maybe a little mad that she invested so much time with you and it's not going to go anywhere (the way she wants it to). You can never just be friends with her as long as she has a romantic interest in you, it may be best to write off this friendship. Tell her you're flattered but you have no desire to swing that way, but if you ever change your mind she will be the first to know. Wouldn't worry about it, sometimes a bad friend will replaced by two good ones

Yeah I guess a BIG part of me is telling me that this is stupid, pointless, and I deserve and HAVE better friends. And I should and really want to listen to that part of my mind, but then another part feels guilty about what happened. Which I really shouldn't feel.


THANKS so MUCH guys for ALL the advice, this situation has really been bothering me lately.