Rant/vent.. my state of unhappiness.

[allie0]

I have no idea if you want to hear this.
And/or care.

I mentioned recently I've been having problems, and they kicked up again tonight.
My life has been so up in the air recently that its awakening the problems I thought I'd put to sleep a few months ago...

I was recently diagnosed with Polycystic Ovaries (sp?) and I'm only sixteen years old.
The doctor wasn't much help, my mum was very worried about it, I may be more prone to cancer in my later years (according to my doctor) which did not go down well with me at all. She also told me I would probably have problems having kids when I'm older which saddened me. I haven't been well for a few years and this was only recently discovered when I went for tests. Mum wants a diabetes check done aswell, which is all bleh for me.
After the news I was on a high for a few days and my mum was surprised at how well I was taking the news, then I couldn't hold it together for much longer and cried for ages and ages about it.

Depression. I seem to suffer from some sort of it, I know for a fact what I feel is not hormones, I do have mood swings, but they go very deep and very dark, last year I felt suicidal a few times, this year not so much. I had to have a few friends calm me down after a bad fight with my mum, I wasn't thinking straight or very good thoughts. I do fight with my mum but I do love her a lot, but a month or two ago I was on the phone to my dad telling him I'd had it and couldn't take it anymore. I usually cry for a long time after an argument, then sit in my room by myself and THINK. I think so so much, I like to be alone so I can think. But I OVERTHINK. I think so much about things that don't make sense, so I think of a way that they do make sense, whether what I am thinking is true or not. Mum seems to think I am depressed, I go up and down about nothing, I can think myself into unhappiness in about fifteen minutes, and stay that way for weeks and months. It seemed to have started when I was about 14/15, starting GCSE exams in school, teachers telling me I was stupid, couldn't do the work, a failure. So I thought about it, and thought, and thought.. And now here I am. I have a negative attitude about everything, I can't do anything, and we only realised just before my big exams what was wrong with my attitude to life, and tried to pull it up and stop. I need my mum to prompt me to say 'i can'.. I just think we were too late and have failed a big stepping stone of my life. Come to think of it, when I was 13ish, stuff started to slip..
This is a random fact, but I never thought I was affected by my parents divorce about 7 or 8 years ago. Now I look back on all my years wallowing in sadness that I'm not so sure anymore. I was always so strong about it, I always thought I took it the best, my mum told me I did. Now I think it might have taken its toll on me.

I'm so sorry for this.. but I have only one person I can share this all with, and I do load an awful lot onto her, she's a saint and I love her, never has complained about it. I just feel so bad loading it off to her.. And I feel now I have no one to turn to apart from everyone on here. I have no friends at school, people I hang out with, but none of which are friends.
Its no secret I have a great difficulty with making friends, I am a nervous, shy, person, but I hate myself and always cover my sadness and hidden secrets with coming across as someone who is completely crazy and off their rocker, cracking jokes etc. Its a mask I use every single day I leave the house, and I hate it so much, because it is not who I am. Who I am is lost inside of everything I've become over the past few years.

I'm sorry for loading this off onto anyone/everyone who reads this. Please forgive me. My mum is in austrailia and I'm living with my dad, but I don't know how much he'll understand..
Yet I don't know what anyone can say on this..

Surely ALL THIS isn't normal for a sixteen year old =/

[mare]

You're right, it is not normal. Nor are you just feeling sorry for yourself.

I hope you follow up with the doctor regarding possible diabetes or other health conditions.

I also hope you tell the doctor how depressed you get. There can be lots of reasons, but they can't be addressed until you start trying. And you can't do it alone. I think that's why there is more than one person on this earth. So we can help each other. : )

Please don't give up. It can get better. It may take a long time and a lot of work on your part and from those who can help, but it is definitely worth it. I think you know that or you wouldn't have shared. You haven't lost hope!

[allie0]

I think I shall need to speak to my mum when she returns from holiday about this.
See now, I was in a state about half an hour ago.
Now I'm fine.

Thankyou mare :)
I know its not right..
I just don't understand why me.

[mare]

That's okay.

I have a daughter who had a form of Juvenille Rheumatoid Arthritis. In addition, she had severe mood swings. Sometimes she had highs and lows several times within one hour.

I'm glad you get breaks from the lows, too. :)

[gabhainn]

As a lifelong depressive, I need to tell you if are chronically depressed its not your fault, but it is your problem. Talk to a doc, and not some hippy crystal shakra reading fruitcake but a real medical doctor, about meds.
I resisted medications for far too long, and it cost me....dearly. I am not advocating medication if you dont need it, but dont resist if do......Kevin

[cheval]

There are a lot of good medications out right now that can either be temporary or long term depending on what a medical doctor tells. You. Kevin is right, go to an actual medical doc. Depression can be an easily treated thing.

[peace_baby]

Wow.. Reading your vent really kinda reminded me of myself in a way. Just remember that everything happens for a reason and this too shall pass. :) Of course, that's not saying not to take the meds if you need them because they can and will help if you do. I've gone through the whole divorce and depression thing with my parents and if you want to talk you can PM me at any time. :)

[allie0]

Thanks guys.
I would prefer to avoid meds if possible, but I'd like to get my mind and head straightened out once and for all =/
I feel oddly calm now from my outburst earlier, but I'm sure they'll come round again in a few days.

Yep, I'll be speaking to mum about it..
peace_baby (http://www.baywindfarm.com/forum/member.php?u=351), see thing is I have a hunch that the divorce is part of it.. I think I was the only one that used to wake up and hear them shouting, then sit on the stairs until they stopped, then creep back to bed as a kid.
Maybe its just my life in general, I have terrible difficultly, with, well, everything =/

Thanks guys :) You all make me feel so much better.. I knew you guys would.

[Horseaholic]

Allie, I'm sorry that you were feeling this way and I think you've gotten some good advice. If you ever need someone to talk to you can PM me or message me on facebook. I think it would help if you let a few more people see the real you. I think everyone feels crummy about themselves every now and then and some of us more than others and some far deeper than others as well. Know that you are NOT alone. You will never be alone and there is always some one you can turn to. In all seriousness.. if you need someone different to talk to my virtual door is always open.

[allie0]

Horseaholic (http://www.baywindfarm.com/forum/member.php?u=103), thankyou, yeah I added you on fb a few hours ago I think :)
Thanks, I know I'm not really *alone* in a sense because I have always been able to make friends with those online, but in the real world I feel I am alone, I don't even know if there would be anyone that I could trust completely.
Sometimes I feel I was born in the wrong place, the majority of my friends are in the United States or Canada!
Thanks for the support =)

[peace_baby]

peace_baby (http://www.baywindfarm.com/forum/member.php?u=351), see thing is I have a hunch that the divorce is part of it.. I think I was the only one that used to wake up and hear them shouting, then sit on the stairs until they stopped, then creep back to bed as a kid.
Maybe its just my life in general, I have terrible difficultly, with, well, everything =/


It probably is. Usually ends up that way, IME. The kids usually end up taking the blunt of the pain of divorce. It's really sad. Thing is, not long after my mom got remarried I broke up with my first boyfriend. We didn't date long, but I didn't know any different and I was heartbroken. I cried everyday for months and it wasn't just because of him. I was miserable and I was spiraling. I made everyone around me miserable too because [even though I tried to hide it] they knew I was hurting and that they couldn't do anything about it. Of course, I'm talking about my parents, grandparents, cousins, etc. My brother and sister were hurting too but they seemed to take it a little better than me. I was the one that went to my parents on a daily basis asking them not to seperate and try to work it out. I guess they tried and in the end, failed.

[WashingtonBay]

Allie, I wish you happiness and success with that magnificent Sampson of yours.

[Gypsy Rose]

Alice, I don't really know what to say, but I'm glad you felt secure enough to share this with us.

You've already been given some great advice from some wise people here, so all I can tell you is to heed their advice, and get some help from a medical doctor.

My father was diagnosed with clinical depression, but it was kept hidden from me until after he committed suicide when I was 20. From what I was told, half the problem was way back years ago, the mind wasn't as well understood as it is now, and he never got help when he was younger. That isn't all of the reasons, but that may have played a big role in how things ended up.

As for your parents' divorce, I do realize it can be tough. The difference with my parents, is my mom didn't file for divorce until just before my dad died. It was still tough, though. I found out way too many things after my dad died, that maybe now I wish I hadn't, lol! I had to realize that those were their problems, not mine. I do know how it can affect you, though, even years later, trust me! You just have to put it all in perspective.

What I'm saying here, is don't let your parents' divorce influence your life, especially after so many years.

Btw, I had almost no friends in school, either!:)

[lovesfortune]

I think Mare has given you great advice. Definitely talk to your mom about it and get help. Sometimes we can't do it alone, and it's okay. :)

[natisha]

Please, you need to seriously be treated for the ovarian cysts. The other things going on in your life aside, some cysts can cause hormonal changes. You said you started to feel really bad when you were about 13, that is the age where the ovaries really start to kick in. They may be physically affecting you more than you realize. Sometimes someone gets so used to feeling bad (physically), that they don't realize how bad they were really feeling until they are treated.

Please find a doctor willing to treat you. I wish you only the best.

[Blue]

Wow.. Reading your vent really kinda reminded me of myself in a way. Just remember that everything happens for a reason and this too shall pass. :)
Exactly how I felt when I read this.

I went through pretty much the same thing you're going through. Some of it I'm still going through, but it's not near as bad. My parents aren't divorced, but my dad is NEVER home and when he is my mom and him are always fighting. I've never asked them but I've always wondered if the only reason they got married was because they got pregnant with me, because they got married while my mom was pregnant.

About a year ago I was terribly depressed, to the point of seriously contemplating suicide. It was awful. Nothing was going my way, all my friends were fakes, I had no one to turn to, all the horses in my life were being taken away (didn't own, still don't own, but I'm hopeful!), I always fought with my parents and my brother and I just HATED myself. I got through it though, and a lot of good things have happened to me in the last few months. I've found an amazing boyfriend, I'm searching for a good horse and I've most recently found God, which has helped me more than anything. :)

[allie0]

Thankyou everyone =/ For listening to me, sharing your own stories so I can relate to them, everything.. I don't have a lot of time to write back now, but thankyou all SO SO much.. Thankyou guys, you have no idea what it means to me. *hugs*
And about the cysts.. Yupp. I will need those treated.
Thankyou so much guys!

[Tatesgram]

Allie0, I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian when I was in my twenties. I had severe migraines and mood swings. My ex daughter-in-law was diagnosed in her very late teens. She's had three children since then.

Consult your doctors, tell them everything that is going on. They can only treat what they know about.

Lots of people here that will listen and try to help.

One more thing, my parents didn't get divorced and they put us through hell even after we grew up. My dad's gone now and my mom still tells us how much she hated him. Sometimes, divorce is better.

[grandmadeb]

If your ovaries are a problem, that could be part of the problem. Hormone levels can affect how you feel. talk to your doctor and ask him/her for options. You know, I think I would find a woman doctor only because she would have some experience about how you feel. I don't know if a man can really understand what you can feel like when your hormones are out of whack. Don't give up and just deal with what you can now and don't worry about what might happen in the future cause it is just as likely NOT to happen.

[allie0]

Tatesgram (http://www.baywindfarm.com/forum/member.php?u=161)
Thanks for the advice, I'm sorry about your parents :/

grandmadeb (http://www.baywindfarm.com/forum/member.php?u=119)
See thing was, we went to a woman doctor and she was useless! My mum emailed me the other day and says we have more tests to run when I come home, what a fun-filled summer =( Thanks for the advice guys =)