Help?

[FatSpottedAppy]

First off, sorry I haven't been on much. A lot going on.

My boyfriend and I broke up around two weeks ago. We had been together for three years and five months and now we're both single and pretty much parting ways. We're friends, but we don't talk much anymore. I'm okay with this. I accepted it and am moving on and going out and having fun with new people.

I've been talking to a lot of people, but there is this particular one guy who "loves" me and quite frankly he scares the crap out of me. We will call him T.

T is a big guy. He's 6'5 and around 300-350 pounds. BIG guy. Never liked him that much because he is not my type, physically or mentally. He is a bit of a lowlife and everyone agrees he's weird. Big teddybear of a fellow most of the time, but I fear what'll happen if he ever gets upset and snaps. He told my ex that if something ever happened with him with the school(i cant remember, maybe getting suspended?) that he would come in with a gun and shoot as many people as he possibly could. He told me that he once ran over a person's dog right in front of its owner and sped off-- he laughed over it. He was constantly trying to touch me and was making sexual jokes towards me constantly to my boyfriend. He made me nervous and was always annoying to the point of where I'd just start ignoring him and would move if he sat close to me. Hes an 09 graduate so I dont have to deal with him this year.

Well, Jake and I broke up and he said he wanted to hang out.. Sure I guess, I was bored and didn't have anything else to do. So we went cruising in his truck and eventually I went home. A few hours after I got home I start to get all these messages in my inbox and he is telling me how he loves me and wants to take me out to dinner and go to moves and do fun stuff. It's getting annoying and I dont know what to say. He asked if I was doing anything tomorrow and I said yes I am going school shopping then I'm going to hang out with Robert, in an attempt to get him off my back. What does he asks.. If i'm going school clothes shopping alone. :( No I'm going with Mom.

I made the mistake of telling him about Robert's party, and he's going to show up. Luckily Rob said he'd be all over me so Timmy would leave me alone. :innocent:

I just don't know what to say to get him to back down. I know he could be a scary guy if he got upset, I personally think he's a bit messed up in the head. How do I let this guy down easy without hurting his feelings? let him know I'm not interested in him in any way, shape, or form. I don't even want a friendship with him.

[lovesfortune]

that's tough. especially given his past scary behavior. i hope someone can help you out and give good advice.

the only thing i can say is try to distance yourself from him without making it really obvious for him. always be 'busy' etc. don't hang out with him on any level... he's shown that he can't handle that level of a relationship without being stalkerish and he might misunderstand your being nice as something more.

and side note: glad to see you back on the forum. i hope i didn't upset you with my post awhile back.

[WashingtonBay]

Actually, you're usually better off, with this type to be very clear, but very brief: I am sorry, but I am not interested.

And then stick with it. Don't hang with him when you're bored, don't talk to him when it suits you, don't answer his emails, texts, anything. Guys like this will interpret any vague excuse or any attention from you as a sign that there might be hope. You need him to stop hoping. Don't give him reasons, don't insult him, don't have a big long conversation about it. It's gentler not to. Just say... I'm sorry. NO. Not now, not ever, then stick to it.

[natisha]

How do I let this guy down easy without hurting his feelings? let him know I'm not interested in him in any way, shape, or form. I don't even want a friendship with him.How? Don't ride around with him, don't "hang" with him, don't let another guy hang all over you at a party while Otis watches & waits for his turn. Tell him you're not interested in any one person at the moment. He does NOT want to just be your friend.
You young girls need to learn how to tell a guy to buzz off, by trying to be nice you are encouraging them whether you mean to or not.

Sure , men have feelings too but who cares? (I don't mean you Kevin,of course)

[WashingtonBay]

Well, and on Natisha's point, by trying to be nice, you're leading him on and sending mixed messages, which is far crueler in the end than honesty.

It's dangerous to play with a guy's emotions. We can usually deal better with hard truths than perceived lies and games, and they are no different.

[natisha]

Actually, you're usually better off, with this type to be very clear, but very brief: I am sorry, but I am not interested.

And then stick with it. Don't hang with him when you're bored, don't talk to him when it suits you, don't answer his emails, texts, anything. Guys like this will interpret any vague excuse or any attention from you as a sign that there might be hope. You need him to stop hoping. Don't give him reasons, don't insult him, don't have a big long conversation about it. It's gentler not to. Just say... I'm sorry. NO. Not now, not ever, then stick to it. Hey WB, you just beat me by a couple minutes only you are much nicer than me.

[FatSpottedAppy]

I'm not going to hang out, ride, do anything with him, it's just a matter of letting him down but I dont want to feel guilty by just saying eff off. I regret ever riding in his truck with him(NOTHING absolutely NOTHING happened not in a million years). I told him I was going school clothes shopping with Mom and he said if im going alone he'd love to come or he would love to come with me even if my Mom was going. I told him no my truck is too small for him and I was going to Rob's straight after.

I am not mean and blunt unless I get comfortable with someone. I have trouble getting straight to the point without feeling like a complete beetch afterwards.


So when he just messages me again, what do I say? "Hey, I'm not interested in a relationship right now." What if he asks to just hang out? How do I tell him I don't even want a friendship with him?

[oursarge]

Maybe you can say your horses take up all of your time, you want to barrel race and the baby needs training etc. and because of that you don't have time for men or parties or anything else. Don't lead him on like WB and Natisha said. I'd use the horses as an excuse and hope it works. It's a very scary situation, hopefully he'll go away.

[natisha]

I'm not going to hang out, ride, do anything with him, it's just a matter of letting him down but I dont want to feel guilty by just saying eff off. I regret ever riding in his truck with him(NOTHING absolutely NOTHING happened not in a million years). I told him I was going school clothes shopping with Mom and he said if im going alone he'd love to come or he would love to come with me even if my Mom was going. I told him no my truck is too small for him and I was going to Rob's straight after.

I am not mean and blunt unless I get comfortable with someone. I have trouble getting straight to the point without feeling like a complete beetch afterwards.


So when he just messages me again, what do I say? "Hey, I'm not interested in a relationship right now." What if he asks to just hang out? How do I tell him I don't even want a friendship with him? Don't respond at all. Or tell him with school starting (if you're in school) that you don't have any time to hang out, you need to work your horses, sorry, no can do.

[WashingtonBay]

It's not easy at this point. I know it! I've been there. Don't tell him to eff off, don't be mean. The goal is not to be a bitch, it's to be honest with him. Be kind, but leave no openings.

It's OK to say: look, I know you like me, but I am just not interested. Please understand, I don't want to be around you because I don't want to mislead or lie to you, which means it makes me very uncomfortable to spend time or text at all right now. Please understand that.

Or something...

[JackieB]

I don't have experience with this type of situation, but I did see a leading expert on TV talk about it once and he said exactly what WB did in her first post.

[lovesfortune]

see, i think the part that is worrisome is that she doesn't want to upset him and make him angry? he doesn't sound too stable.

now a normal guy that was interested i would take the 'blunt' approach and just say that like you suggested WB. but if the guy was talking about bringing a gun to school for a silly reason then he's not right.

[outriding01]

The same thing happened with me when I was a sophomore in college, except the guy wasn't scary sounding like this one. And I made the mistake of taking a ride with him, only the ride lasted 2 days and was from Alabama to Florida. My dad's best friend had killed himself and I needed to get home for the funeral. Him and a buddyy were coincidentally heading down that way to Mudfest and offered me a ride. My first priority was to get home to my family so I said yes without thinking it through. I finally got the guts to tell the guy straight up that I just wasn't looking for a relationship and while I thought he was a great person, it just wasn't going to work. Sorry, the end. He finally got the hint after that and while he would still text me every once in a while, the tone changed to completely platonic, freindly hellos and nothing more.

[WashingtonBay]

see, i think the part that is worrisome is that she doesn't want to upset him and make him angry? he doesn't sound too stable.

now a normal guy that was interested i would take the 'blunt' approach and just say that like you suggested WB. but if the guy was talking about bringing a gun to school for a silly reason then he's not right.

Then take steps to stay safe and keep your eye out, but if he is a danger, leading him on will only lead you deeper. If he's already a danger, the danger will not lessen. It's why we need to keep our spidey senses active and trust them when it comes to people who we really need to avoid from the get-go.

[allie0]

Using the horses as an excuse is perfect, say you have barn chores to do if you don't want to tell him you're not interested. You have thee baby to train etc and other horses to keep yourself busy.. :)

[lovesfortune]

you're right WB. Morgan, I hope that he leaves you alone. Stay safe though and be cautious!

[FatSpottedAppy]

Well... He keeps messaging me. Mom and Dan are worried because he's not my only problem(there is a previous child molester that keeps lightly pinching my side when he walks by me). Today T messages me and he says "i was just at reeds and they were saying they want to make you the head cashier. do you want to hang out tomorrow?" or something along those lines. Duh. I've only been working there for a month and am still learning. There is no "head cashier" where I work. So I told him not to lie and left the hanging out comment unanswered.

What does he say?
"no no i mean if i owned reeds i would make you the head cashier."
I told him that's not what he said, and he doesn't need to lie. Then I told him I don't want any kind of relationship(I was careful to NOT say "right now") and I don't want to seem like I'm leading him on.

We'll see what he has to say in the morning.

[lovesfortune]

hopefully he understands and you don't hear from him again.

the whole molester thing is equally scary. glad you told your mom and dan about it.

[Ragnar Danneskjold]

There's some danger signals with this guy. I think it's time to be very careful. WBay is right that is better to be clear and quick, even if it hurts you to do it. It's the tearing off the band-aid... better quick and over than slow. Then find a way to sever contact permanently. I suppose we'll all have known this sort of guy at one time or another, and it's best just to keep some distance and try not to be nearby when they finally go off.

Wbay: I'm thinking a Stephan vibe on this one. Don'tcha think? :)

If all else fails, tell him you've discovered that you hate men and have become a lesbian, and your new girlfriend is a Green Beret. :)

Just tryin' ta be helpful...

[WashingtonBay]

Yeah RD - there's a bit of the Stephen feel about this thing here. The good news was he was inevitably harmless to everyone but himself, but he really made life a little scary for a friend and our whole group for awhile, when we were in college.

Always a danger when heartstrings and unstable people are involved. I'm glad you are telling him this via text, not over the phone, and whatever you do, don't let him get together to "talk". If he shows up someplace you're at... leave, without scene, with friends, for now at the very least, till this is ancient history and cooled off. That includes this party coming up. Just avoid it to be on the safe side. If he ramps up contact and comes over to your house or work uninvited, call help... your parents, your boss, if it's serious, the police.

[lovesfortune]

Always a danger when heartstrings and unstable people are involved. I'm glad you are telling him this via text, not over the phone, and whatever you do, don't let him get together to "talk". If he shows up someplace you're at... leave, without scene, with friends, for now at the very least, till this is ancient history and cooled off. That includes this party coming up. Just avoid it to be on the safe side. If he ramps up contact and comes over to your house or work uninvited, call help... your parents, your boss, if it's serious, the police.

Great advice. I couldn't agree with you more, WB.

[FatSpottedAppy]

I can't blow him off during work, our store is so so small.. very tiny convenience store with only two workers at a time so if he came in there's no where to "hide." If he comes to the house then I dont know what I'd do. My biggest worry is that he'll just snap and do something serious. I don't *think* he would, but you never know.

Thanks guys.

[Horseaholic]

If he comes to your work tell him to leave. That he's going to get you in trouble. Give your boss a heads up about this guy. Ask them if they can tell him to leave if he isn't buying anything. About the other guy...where is your boss? Where are the police. No one...especially not a pedophile (sp?) should be touching you. Call the police. This is no joke and there are NO excuses. How many other girls is he doing this to? Is he going farther with someone else?? Seriously this is no light subject. Forget about this guys feelings.

[Horseaholic]

Don't make excuses. Make moves. I'm not trying to be mean I'm just really serious about this stuff. If T is a danger to you you need to tell people and stop talking to him. Tell him your sorry but he makes you uncomfortable and you aren't interested and aren't going to be. You don't want to lead him on so it's best you don't speak anymore. Don't say things like "I think" because it gives him the impression he can change your mind. You don't have to be nasty but you've got to be firm. you've already made too many mistakes so stop making more.

[FatSpottedAppy]

Everyone watches out for everyone. The pedo talks to all the girls, young or old, but he nudges into me when he walks by. When he starts asking me questions my other worker/s will stop whatever they're doing and listen/watch. Once he asked me if I wanted to go to a Kellie Pickler concert(i wish!!) but I told him no. Then a few days later he asked when I got out of work b/c he wanted to give my Mom a signed Kellie Pickler print.. Needless to say the girl I was working with stayed with me until I was on my way home. He lives right near the store I work at, he told one of the girls that I work with that he used to watch her when she smoked on breaks. Yeah. Mom and Dan are getting serious too. They said if he touches me again then I need to firmly tell him NO..

T, though, I did tell earlier that I am not looking for any sort of relationship and I didnt want to lead him on. I ignored him asking to hang out.. We will see what he has to say. If the other girl isn't busy when he comes into Reeds(which I'm sure he will) I will ask her to wait on him and just pretend to be busy.. If he asks to talk I will tell him I can't..

[FatSpottedAppy]

T messaged me back today and said he also wasnt looking for any kind of relationship and just wanted to be buddies. And that buddies spend money on each other all the time, and go places with each other all the time. Siigh. He came into work and said "i got your message" and I didnt even look at him, all I said "no offense taken right?" and he said "nope im totally fine." And he stood there and tried to talk to me but I just acted too busy to hear him. He creeps me out, still.

[Horseaholic]

Well maybe it will take him some time to figure it out but at least you're doing your best to avoid the situation.