How do you know it's time to get married?

[Rabid_Raccoon]

How do you know you're ready to get married?

Jared (my boyfriend) bought a ring. An egagement ring. He hasn't proposed yet, but just knowing that he has the ring changes things.

I have a bit of a fear of commitement, and it's coming to the surface now. :( I love him, and he loves me, but everywhere I turn I get negative responses to our descision to get married next summer, and it's getting to me. Everyone says that you change so much in college, in your 20s. Someone told me you don't really know who you are untill you're in your mid 20s, and your priorities, and who you are, change then. I tend to let what other people say bother me too much. I love Jared, that should be all that matters, right? But I can't get the things they're saying out of my head.

Getting married at 19... Will I be making a huge mistake?

I will have been in college for 1 year, Jared will have just graduated and won't have started college yet.

Everyone says we should wait. But we want to be together. We don't want to be going to different schools, living different places, working different jobs, and seeing each other less. And Jared is a conservative guy, he has some really strong morals that I totally respect, but that means he won't live with me before we're married. So that's not an option.

I want to be with him all the time- but will I want to be with him in ten years? What about this huge change everyone talks about? Will I turn into a different person? Will we hate each other? I don't want to get a divorce.

Don't get me wrong; I love Jared. And Jared loves me, more than anyone else ever has, and more than I think anyone else ever could. But... is that enough?

How do you know it's real love, love that will last?

How do you know when getting married is the right thing to do?

Help.

[cheval]

Pay attention to the people around you. Sometimes they see things that we don't because we are 'blinded' by love. If your family and friends have an issue with it, there could be a very good reason why you shouldn't. If you have some doubts, that is another indicator.

Don't get married just to stay together so you are separated by going to different schools. That in itself is a big mistake. I did that. Give yourself time to be sure. You don't seem very sure - that's the vibe I get from your post. I think that's pretty much an answer in itself to maybe wait another year or so.

ETA - there is no way of knowing if it is a love that is going to last. You can be head over heels right now but in a month or a year or in five years you could change or he could and you just don't feel the same. I have seen that happen to more couples than you can imagine. Of all my friends, none of them are married to the same person that they first got married to.

[Equine_Woman]

My husband and I have been together since High School. We didn't get married though until both of us were ready to settle down and live in the same town. I went to college and graduated first and he joined the army and went to war. We made it just fine, dating, with no ring!

Follow your heart, but use your head and you'll be fine!

[natisha]

How do you know you're ready to get married?. The doctor tells you your fiancee needs hospice care.

[Remali]

Boy, I sure don't know what to tell you.....LOL.... But, I do know when it is time to NOT get married because I decided that a couple times in my life. But, I would say if you are having any doubts at all, I would wait..... you're young, both of you have plenty of time yet.

[rocknK]

The doctor tells you your fiancee needs hospice care.

That's so wrong, but funny!! I was gonna say when the EPT is blue!:nono:

[offgridgirl]

That's so wrong, but funny!! I was gonna say when the EPT is blue!:nono:
oohhhh Naught naught you two!! :doh:

My husband and I dated for 20 years before we got married. We were very happy then and we are very happy now

Yes, life changes you!!

If you truly love him now, you will truly love in 5,10 and 15 years;)!!

[lovesfortune]

I got married at 22. And I am still happily married with 2 kids, 4 years later. No regrets. Everyone has something to say about everything if you ask them.

If YOU are having doubts, there is no harm in waiting a few years. People can even be engaged for years before they actually marry. If it's all "meant to be" then a few years won't hurt anything either.

[natisha]

oohhhh Naught naught you two!! :doh:

My husband and I dated for 20 years before we got married. We were very happy then and we are very happy now

Yes, life changes you!!

If you truly love him now, you will truly love in 5,10 and 15 years;)!! Just wondering, after 20 years what made you two decide to finally marry?

[outriding01]

Some people can know they are ready to get married at your age, some people won't be ready until they're 25, 30, 40, etc. Everyone is different. The best thing you can do is listen to yourself. If you're having reservations, doubts, worries, etc. listen to them! Of course everyone is going to have some anxiousness when getting married, but if it's enough to make you wonder if you're really making the right choice, then wait. You can always choose to wait and be fine, there's no harm in waiting. But once you make that commitment, it changes your relationship forever. It's not the kind of thing you want to go into with any kind of reservations. You don't have to break up/take a break/change anything.... Just do what your gut tells you is the right thing.

[Steelhorserider]

Sometimes you have to follow your head and not your heart. You must be having doubts or you would not be asking the forum for opinions. A few times in my younger years I thought I had found the "one" and considered it this relationship could be permanent and these did not last. I was asked twice to get married and both times I said no because it just did not feel entirely right---quite a bit right but not 100%. Fast forward to me now....I am 44 now...and I found the person I am going to marry. How do I know it is right...it feels it. I always loved the picture of the adirondack chairs facing the beach....I finally found the person I can picture in the other chair..only took me longer than most. I don't have any doubts about Deb and I......that is how that I have found "the one".

[oursarge]

The doctor tells you your fiancee needs hospice care.

Oh Natisha that is so funny!!!! I figure if you have to ask you aren't ready for marriage, not just you, anyone.

Nobody knows if it will last, I know people who have been married 50 years and got divorced, nobody knows what will happen in the future. Most people don't go into it thinking it'll end but things happen, people change. I have 21 cousins on my father's side and there are only a few of us who are on our first marriages and all of them went into it thinking it would last. It's sad #'s but it's fact.

Good luck with what ever you decide.

[Kowgirlkate]

If your relationship can handle waiting a couple years to finish college, then marriage could be done as well, cuz it has all those hardships as well and then some! What's the matter with waiting a couple years if you're going to be together forever anyway? If you have any doubts, rushing in is a bad idea. Don't get married just so you dont have to be apart in different schools.

[Horseaholic]

I think it's normal to get jittery talking about a very REAL subject. It's scary..it means forever. I want to marry my boyfriend more than anything in the world but once when I though he was going to pop the questions at dinner (I'm crazy lol) I was FREAKING out and asking myself if I was positive I wanted this. It's a BIG deal I know that I want it and I want it to be real but it's easier to handle just thinking about a subject rather than actually discussing it happen in the very near future.
My sister got married at 16 (my sister is still married to the same guy and they are going on 11 years...and my parents at 18 and NO ONE wanted my mom to marry by Dad (they thought my mom was pregnant and that's why they were getting married but that wasn't the case) but I have NEVER met a couple like them. My dad still loves her to the moon and back and there love is just as strong as it was 30 something years ago.

So my point here is that I think it's normal to be nervous and second guessing everything..people do this the night before the wedding and it's called cold feet. ;) It's normal!!! If you have a serious gut feeling that he may not be the person you see yourself with when things get bad, when your sick, when your upset, when you start a family, when you need someone to talk to, when your angry, when your happy, when you don't want to talk at all then maybe waiting is the best idea.


He won't live with you even if your engaged? Why not stay engaged for a while?? Figure out if you truly are in it forever. It's a commitment that takes work..it isn't roses and candies all the time (I know you know this but I'm just putting it out there) I live with my boyfriend (have for 2 1/2 years) and wouldn't have it any other way some people move in together and HATE each other...I come home everyday wishing he were here and I can't wait for him to come home :) :p

[Rabid_Raccoon]

That's so wrong, but funny!! I was gonna say when the EPT is blue!:nono:
AHA, my best friend is actually going through this right now... having a baby and getting married, in that order. I admire her strength, and her boyfriend's courage :)


He won't live with you even if your engaged?
Nope. He's VERY traditional. So much so that we won't be... *ahhem*getting physical*coughcough* until we say those vows... :o Which is why he doesn't want us to live together before we're married.
I love him even more because of it though :) We've been dating over a year and are very atracted to one another, and he is a guy... (no offence to any guys BWF members ;) ) so I think it's admirable that he's sticking to his convictions.

Ayway... :p

An update: I texted a couple close friends in panic last night and got some great advice from them. I read all of these responses and thought about it. Then, tonight, I talked to Jared about it. I texted him this morning and let him know about my fears and doubts and said I wanted to have a long talk about it, and we did. He was awesome about it. He says he loves me for all of my fears and insecurities, and we talked over everything. He told me he thinks people do change, but it's not overnight. And he that thinks we can change together.

I have issues with being too sensative, and carrying too much what other's think. I was listening to people telling me I was doing the wrong thing, and I started to believe it, instead of listening to myself. While I will listen to people and I value the opinions of others, I don't think I should let them change my own opinion so easily. It's something I have to work on.

I am sure I want to marry him :) I had a freak out last night after hearing some negative comments from people I know... and I'm sure that's not my last freak out. It's a big deal, and not something to take lightly. I'm glad I can express all of my fears to him and that he understands. He truly is amazing.

We are still planning on getting married next summer. It's not set in stone and anything can happen, but that's our plan... and I think we'll be okay. I think we can make it.

We are going to go through pre-marital counseling after we get engaged... I think that will help us work through all of this and make a firm descision that we can be happy with. We want to do this the right way, and not rush it.

Thank you so much everyone for the advice :) You all have some great words of wisdom and I took it all to heart. <3 you guys!

[42many]

I'm glad you talked it over and are happy - but why not just wait if you are concerned at all?

I met my husband when I was 17 and knew within a year that we'd likely marry. I wanted to finish college, though, and he fully supported that. So, we dated for 3 1/2 years. It wasn't until the last 1/2 year that he finally actually asked me to marry him - and by then he hardly needed to ask (I helped him pick out the perfect ring and everything). We just knew. BTW, we also did not live together before we got married (although we were intimate at times).

I see no reason to automatically assume that the person you love at 17 won't be the person you love at 31 - after all, it is for me! However, I also would say that you have plenty of time ahead of you and there isn't any reason to rush it... if he's the right person you'll find a way to make it work married or not. The biggest problem I've seen with marrying before you finish college is that some people end up deciding it is easy and harmless to put finishing college off... and off... and off... and pretty soon your a mom with a family and trying to do college part-time (example only, of course!). If you finish college first, then you don't have to worry about that:)

[Rabid_Raccoon]

I'm glad you talked it over and are happy - but why not just wait if you are concerned at all?

I met my husband when I was 17 and knew within a year that we'd likely marry. I wanted to finish college, though, and he fully supported that. So, we dated for 3 1/2 years. It wasn't until the last 1/2 year that he finally actually asked me to marry him - and by then he hardly needed to ask (I helped him pick out the perfect ring and everything). We just knew. BTW, we also did not live together before we got married (although we were intimate at times).

I see no reason to automatically assume that the person you love at 17 won't be the person you love at 31 - after all, it is for me! However, I also would say that you have plenty of time ahead of you and there isn't any reason to rush it... if he's the right person you'll find a way to make it work married or not. The biggest problem I've seen with marrying before you finish college is that some people end up deciding it is easy and harmless to put finishing college off... and off... and off... and pretty soon your a mom with a family and trying to do college part-time (example only, of course!). If you finish college first, then you don't have to worry about that:)

18, not 17... and we will be 19 next year. :p Not that it matters too much lol.

That is one thing we've talked about (the college thing). I know that a lot of times college gets put off, but that is one thing I'm going to be really stubborn about. I do not want that happening for either of us. We know it will be rough because we will both have to have jobs as well, and still take out loans, but I think we'll be able to manage it. Even if I have to go part time or take online classes, I won't quit. Not eve nfor a semester (except maybe some summers.). My brother did that, and he's now a 28 year old sophmore at college. I don't want that happening to me or Jared.

Waiting a couple years isn't totally off the table yet. Our plan is for next year, but like I said, I would accept it if that changed. I think pre-marital counseling will be a good place to work that out for sure.

[offgridgirl]

Just wondering, after 20 years what made you two decide to finally marry?
The Canadian government made us "do" it!! hehehe
We moved to Canada and hubby applied for Canadian residency.....sooooooo we got married and they let him live with me again;)!!

[twofingers]

I tend to agree with EW. however when my wife and I told folks we were going to get hitched, almost everyone thought it was a bad Idea- a moronic anti-social trip wire and a rabid lefty bleeding heart. that was 28 years ago, they are all now divorced yet we are still together. it really has to do with respecting your partner.

[HoustonFarrier]

How do you know you're ready to get married

When Danielle told me it was time :D:D Far be it for me to argue with a woman :p

Steve

[lovesfortune]

LOL @ Steve.

Always listen to the woman - the key to a good marriage! ;)

[HoustonFarrier]

Always listen to the woman - the key to a good marriage! ;)

Yes, dear :D:D

Steve

[miatapony]

IM sorry if this is not what you want to hear but if your asking this question your not ready .

[lisakaye]

The doctor tells you your fiancee needs hospice care.

I like that.. You are too young to be getting married right now. Your friends are 100% rightby saying that so many things change as you get older. I got married young and we are still together but are having difficulties. I don't want a divorce either. However, things do change as time goes on and what is important to you now may not be important to you later on. How about a longer engagement? That way you are together and committed to each other but not married.. Just a thought.

[cheval]

IM sorry if this is not what you want to hear but if your asking this question your not ready .

That's my thought.

[GrungeEquestrian]

You know I've been thinking similar to you about college and marriage with my current boyfriend. He is also very traditional so we are waiting till after college. I think it might be best that you could have a longer engagement and get married after college. That way you kind of get it out of the way and have waited long enough that you shouldn't have any second thoughts. I mean there should never be a rush into getting married. And if it's meant to be, it'll happen--at least my philosophy.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder" -Eleanor Roosevelt

[allie0]

Take it SLOW.
You're so young, you have your whole life ahead of you.
Slowwwww =D