Am I justified?

[minskeep]

Ok so I have been with my boyfriend Kacey for over a year and a half now and I moved to North Dakota from Ohio to be with him last November. Everything has been pretty great up until the last couple months. Just to fill everyone in:

Kacey works mon-fri 12hr shifts out of town all week. So i can understand that hes very tired after work when he gets to the hotel but he has been slacking on calling. Im not sure why. He has been working at this place for months and had only just recenly stopped calling every night unless i tell him to. I like talking to him at least once a day since I pretty much have no life here. I work and I come home. I spend so much time alone that it would drive most people crazy. I moved here to be with him because I love him and would like to spend the rest of my life with him. So I just cant really understand how the person who used to tell me that im the best thing that ever happened to him has trouble taking 5mins out of his day to tell me goodnight. So his lack of calling has made me wonder if hes losing interest, taking me for granted, or wants to be with someone else. I keep telling him every weekend that it upsets me that he doesnt call and he says hes just tired or forgot. Its like its not getting through to him, i tell him how i feel and he just keeps "forgetting". He used to call me all the time just to see what I was doing or leave me a message. Now I can barely get 2 words out of him. He just doesnt understand that I made a HUGE sacrifice moving here. I never see my friends or family, i sold my 9yr old mare i raised from foal just to help pay the bills when he didnt have a job back in Jan, Feb, and March. I cant finish school until I dont know when now. He just doesnt get how him not calling once a day really makes me feel like i dont matter anymore.

And its not just the calling. He never really gets close to me anymore. Hes always in his own little world. When i try to talk to him he gets snappy and we dont talk the rest of the day. Hes particular about things around the house too. Like if I dont have everything completely emaculate by the time he gets home friday he gets pissed. Saying how hard he works every day and that I need to do the same thing here. (Sorry but I didnt come here to be a MAID) I keep the house clean and laundry done, dishes clean and so on. I dont know what he expects me to do because when I do something my way he complains about that and it just makes me feel like im always a screw up.

He only gets nice when Im really upset from everthing hes caused. He charms me and makes everything ok for the moment then he goes off and does something else the next day to upset me. So its like i keep falling for his excuses. I dont know why. I havnt done that with any bf before. I keep trying to think of legitimate reasons for his actions when it could just be what it is.

I havnt made any friends since I have been here on the count of almost everyone I have met has some kind of drug addiction or smokes pot. Im not even kidding. I am so weary of who I "let in" that Im afraid to meet new people in this town. So im alone so much and Kacey is increasingly making me feel worthless. I just keep thinking about going back to Ohio but its such a big decision. I dont want to make a mistake. I love Kacey and if I leave theres no coming back. I just dont know. What would any of you do given the information I typed?

By the way this weekend just put me over the edge since I made it very clear that I would appreciate him calling me on friday night since he was on his way to an all weekend bachelor party. I told him I really hate the idea of a bachelor party because we all know what goes on typically. I wasnt going to tell him he couldnt go but I just wanted to know when he got there or a call before he went to bed but no he never called. So i was up most of the night going out of my mind crazy. I dont believe he would cheat but I hate the fact that guys with gfs or fiances need to have a stripper at a bachelor party. I find it very disrespectful. I dont know if there is a stripper or not but needless to say when Kacey didnt call my mind couldnt stop thinking about the endless possibilities as to why he couldnt find time to call or remember he had a gf back home. So im just tired of feeling like im the only one who cares anymore. Im not sure what to do. Am I justified in my feelings or am I overreacting?

[lovesfortune]

i think that you need to do something for you and stop doing everything for him.

i'm sorry to say that i think you are justified and if you have talked to him and he just isn't making any effort, you should try to move on with out him.

i know you say you want to be married to him, but if things stay the way they are now - do you honestly want to marry him?

Sit him down and have a serious talk with him. Ask him if his feelings have changed. Tell him that if things don't change for the better with his actions then you will be gone. You have to stand up for yourself.

[oursarge]

To me it sounds like he's lost interest, I'd pack my bags and go home because if he's this bad now it's just going to get worse. I wouldn't handle the controling stuff either, if he didn't like how I cleaned I'd let him do it himself.

Hint: Never give up a horse [or any animal] for any man because chances are the animal will be around alot longer than the man. Another thing I found is don't leave a place you love for a man. I love my man but I moved from the mountains to be with him and if I had to do it again I'd tell him if he wanted me he could be the one to move because I hate it here and have been here for a long long time thinking we'd hopefully move back some day but that won't happen.

I hope it works out for you but it sounds like he just doesn't care and I think a person deserves someone who can't wait to be with them not one that you have to remind to call once in awhile. I've been married 32 yrs, my man just retired from teaching but when he was teaching he called me or e-mailed me every day, sometimes e-mailed a few times a day during free periods or lunch. When he goes someplace alone he'll call just to check in to say he got where he was going OK because he knows I worry.

Good luck if you stay you are a better person than I am, I'd be on my way home now because I would think I deserved way better than I'm getting but that is just me.

[Steelhorserider]

It sounds like his feelings have changed or he is taking you for granted now that he has a job and freedom for 5 days and you waiting for him at home. I would kiss him good bye.....he expects too much from you to make the relationship and he is putting nothing on the table.

[MiniMorgan]

I agree tht it sounds like he is losing (has lost) interest--maybe there is even someone else already (sorry, but it's entirely possible from what you're saying).

Get out & make the effort to make some friends there (there surely have to be some nice, non-drug user people around Devils Lake--I'm from N. Dakota & there were plenty of good people there!!) or pack up and head back to Ohio. Tell him that if things don't change, you are gone....and if he lets you go then you know it is over, and it works out fine that going back to Ohio is so final, as you said.

I'm sorry that you gave up your mare to pay bills when he wasn't working--IMO it is always a mistake to give up one's horse for a guy--the guy generally doesn't appreciate the sacrifice.

[rocknK]

North Dakota!?!?!? Did you bump your head??? Were there no fellas back in Ohio?? Sorry about giving you the business. Time to catch the next Greyhound back home. Chalk this up to experience & move on. Try to be a little more careful next time. Good luck.

[miatapony]

or instead of up rooting your life once again just move out of his place and get your own and then moe on with your life if you like it there go for it . if not try something new!

[Piper522]

Oh sweetie! How tough is this for you. Based on what you have said and how close you are to your friends and family back in Ohio....you should move back. Life is too short to be miserable. If he REALLY loves you....he will come to you. You are young, and drop dead GORGEOUS and you deserve to be treated like a princess.

I too moved away with someone when I was your age....it did not work out and I ended up moving back to Ohio...my only regret was I wish I would have moved back earlier.

He can not expect you to sit around five days a week...other than the horses (which you are going to end up selling anyhow right?) you hate your job, you have not made any quality friends....your boyfriend's mom makes things difficult for you....it is time to come home. I am sure you Mom and friends would agree!

And....Quarter Horse Congress is coming up soon!! You don't wan't to miss that do you??:cowboy:

[minskeep]

Ive threatened to leave before and his answer always is "Well you've made up your mind, theres nothing I can do about it." That sounds like he doesnt care at all but when I ask him if he even cares if i stay or go he says of course he wants me to stay. I guess he feels like he doesnt want to fight for something when he thinks I dont want it. Well I obviously wanted him at one time but hes changed. He cant see that hes changed. I would like to think that if im gone for a period of time he would realize how good he had it(which in my experience with boyfriends, always happens). But thats the thing, if he did realize it and Im already 1200 miles away then Im not coming back. I wish I had somewhere to go around here I guess..

I would get my own place but I cant afford it. I did like the idea of moving here in the beginning. I still like it here, Ohio is not my cup of tea. Too many cities and too many people. I have always wanted to move out west but ND wasnt my first choice I guess. Its still beautiful here, its just the area Im in that has a lot of shady people. If I did move back home i would eventually find my way to the place I want to be. In the beginning, Kacey and I talked about moving to WY and finishing college. That was my dream and he always used to talk about moving there. I think he just thinks he cant afford it and never will be able to afford it. But he never talks about these things because if I pry at him too much he just gets irritated, (maybe its a guy thing feeling like hes insufficient).

He finally called last and I told him I wasnt dealing with this anymore. I told him why and he just got quiet. Hes not the most emotional guy. When hes upset he keeps to himself. He doesnt know how to resolve issues like a normal person. (Thanks to his previous gf that cheated on him i dont know how many times and he took her back. I dont know what he was like before her, if he was any different or not.) I sometimes feel like im getting punished for the things she did to him before. I dont know how to explain it. He called this morning, which I never expected. Its not like him. Normally he just leaves me alone until I say something to him. Maybe hes scared of losing me? I dont know. Im still considering leaving. I just need to talk to him face to face.

[TheRedHayflinger]

well..if you do move back to OH...there ARE places that aren't as crowded....you'd be closer to family/more readily visit them, but not "confined" as much as you think until you figure out where it is you need to be for sure :) I live in one of those "lower populated" areas in southernish OH...and it's gorgeous here :) And loads of fun places to trail ride!

[WashingtonBay]

Well, you haven't given US very many reasons to stay, but only you know what the whole balance is.

I will say relationships never stay new, and you're about at that point in the relationship when we aren't on our best behavior any more, we aren't necessarily going the extra mile to be nice any more, we are what we are. It happens in every relationship. Sometimes people need to grow up at that point and realize love is not a Hallmark Card all the time, and sometimes people decide they don't like the real relationship. They liked the dating relationship OK, but not so much the moved-in one.

All the best to you in deciding which situation you're in.

[minskeep]

Yea I know theres always a point when people get "comfortable" in a relationship but I think theres a fine line between that and total disregard for the other person in the relationship. We have been comfortable for a long time and Im fine with that. But the past couple months have been more along the lines of forgetting completely how I feel. I dont know. Im the person in this relationship who is constantly thinking what I can do to make him happy. Im not saying he has to be just like that too but I would like to be considered every once in a while rather than feeling like im "the puppy thats all grown up and not cute anymore so its ok to pay zero attention to it".

[cheval]

You can't let your happiness be based on him and from your post it sounds like that is what you are doing. Also by what you are describing (and having experienced exactly what you are dealing with) it sounds very much like he's pulling away.

Option 1 - The guy is getting burnt out, he's far away from home, he doesn't have the one he loves to be close and share the work dilemma's. He's probably very lonely. But he's so tired when he gets back to the hotel after months of this schedule that he just wants to either crash or relax by himself. He doesn't want to burden you with his being lonely, because he knows you are dealing with the exact same thing and right now, this is how it has to be.

Option 2, he's spent time away from you and he's realizing that maybe the relationship isn't what he wants after all. He uses the excuse that he's tired because he doesn't want to call you. He doesn't know how to address the subject with you because he knows it will hurt you and he doesn't want or doesn't know how to deal with that. So he will continue calling less and you'll continue getting the feeling that he is avoiding you.

Either way you need to address it now. Don't sit in limbo while he gets to make the decisions about your future. If it's a matter of the first option, then find ways to get to be with him. It may be a little more as difficult but you both need it.

If it's option 2 - say your goodbye's and think about your future. Not as easily done as said - however you could spend the next few months pining away when you could be doing something that benefits you.

My situation ended up being the second option. After we ended up talking about it, he wanted some time to think - which all that does is give you the false hope that things are going to change in your favor and they rarely do. I made the decision to move forward with my life and it turned out to be the best decision I made. Getting through the next couple of months was super tough and at times I just didn't think I could do it.

Either way, keep in mind you've got to look out for you. I hope everything works out. Just talk to him when it's convenient for both of you. Not after his 12 hour shift. Try to do it when he's rested and clear thinking.