Sending an email. The hardest thing to do.

[vicklynn]

Some of you know about my last thread, about my sister and my dad.
That was a 4 day event, with me finally getting my dads wife to block my sisters email.

I was not going to email or call her to tell her how I felt, I was just going to let it end, until yesterday.

In her email to my dad, she said "Vicky hides behind Christianity". I never knew how hard it was going to be for me, walking into church, start singing and praising the Lord, and feel the hurt that that one statement made. I kept thinking and crying, how can she not see? How can she be so mean to attack my life, my beliefs? My friend and I walked out after communion and tithe, to smoke a ciggy, and for me to cry some more.
We had a great talk.

I have come to the conclusion that I have to email her, to tell her a little about herself, that she needs to let go of my issues with my dad, that I HAD, and not longer hold onto.
I have written the email and have it in my drafts folder, ready to send. I even emailed it to a friend for their feelings on what I wrote. I was kind but firm, no cussing, just straight forward. I hear it was pretty good.
I know that, when I hit send, she will either send me a nasty email or call. I am preparing myself for that. I am hoping she will read the email, and see inside her little box. See that she isnt miss perfect and miss right. I didnt use those 2 terms, that would of been mean. I did ask her to look inside her box though.

So Please, pray for, or give good thoughts, about this email and it hitting some where center, her heart, and that she can be a healthier and happier person, and see that dad is not so evil, but, just another human being, not perfect, and has faults.

Thank you.

[lovesfortune]

Vick,
I'm sorry that she is still causing stress in your life with hurtful comments. I know you feel you must send the email, but part of me says "don't". I know that it will make you feel better to get it off your chest, but I'm just worried about how she will respond. If you know she will email back or call, that gives her the opprotunity to say something else just as hurtful and continue the cycle.

I am praying for you and hope whatever you choose to do gives you peace in your heart. ((hugs))

[vicklynn]

loves, you are right, she may just be mean about the whole situation.
I am prepared for that. I will tell her, Im done, do not call or email me again.
I have to tell her though, that she holds my past issues hostage, and uses them against dad.
My vents are not hers to hold. My life is not hers to use as a tool against another human being.
It will be sent, just pray that the words stick in her heart, that she may see that she is causing the issues herself.

Thanks for the ((hugs))

[lovesfortune]

As long as you are mentally prepared for the good or the bad that could happen, then I agree send it. I did that with my dad and our issues. It got messed up really good after that and a lot of hurtful things were said. That's just why I was concerned for you. But then again, I had thought *naively* that the email would be the be the end of the issue since he would "see the light" and agree with me. lol. what a shock when he didn't.

But keep us updated though. And it's because of your Christianity that you are even sending the email hoping she'll understand and still trying after all these years to give her one last chance. Some people would have just said, "Forget you" a long long time ago.

[WashingtonBay]

Here's an idea.... not sure if it's possible to implement. If you send it, tell her you will not be reading any emails she sends or answering the phone for 24 hours. They'll go right in the trash. Tell her to please sit back and consider her reply as carefully as you have considered yours.

[vicklynn]

I understand that she may come off mean, and I plan to make that a short call if she does. I will not be tossed around any more. I am prepared to end this, with no more words than, good bye. I will not fight her, nor provoke her. This is hers to figure out. It is in her plate.
The email gets sent out later today, or late tonight. I think I am more prepared to deal with it today.
I will keep you updated.

Good idea WB. Ill do that.

[vicklynn]

Oh my, I went and appended the 24 hr thing. I hit send. So its out there.

[WashingtonBay]

What's done is done.

I hope in time this makes it better for you.

Now hold to the 24 rule. Don't open anything, and don't answer the phone! Mean what you say, and don't let her just react. Try to get her to think. :)

[vicklynn]

I will WB, I promise.

[WashingtonBay]

We'll be here to give you a pep talk if you waver. :)

We could try wiring your email and your phone with some kind of electric shock device if you touch them. :innocent:

[oursarge]

I hope it all works out. Things with family are so hard. Good Luck, hope your feelings doing get hurt anymore, the 24 hr thing is a good idea.

[Remali]

I wrote my sister a letter this past summer.....I was brief and just pretty much told her our parents would be so sad and hurt over what she'd done, and she should do the right thing. I never heard back from her, but I did not expect to. I do feel better after sending her the letter. Good for you for emailing your sister....I think with people like that no contact at all is best....at least that is my opinion.

[Country Girl 43]

Vick I know how hard it must be. I'll be thinking of you. But just remember, that "some" people don't/can't read an e-mail or letter as it was intended by the sender. She may just read every other word and not know any of the feelings that you put into it.

Do as WB says. IF she responds with an e-mail, read it once, do not respond and just let it sit there and read it a day or two later. Sometimes it helps to do that, since you will be on the defense if she does respond and you will need time to settle down, step back and re-read. Then you will see the response in a different light and it won't be so quick to respond back to her. I hope all that made sense. :huh:

I'll be thinking about you!

[vicklynn]

My response to her may not even happen, If she calls or emails. I will know by the tone, or, I can read between her lines so very well, if needed. I am not going on the defense at all. I may get my feelings hurt, and that would be the last time. She may sit back and go, oh chit, maybe shes right, and wake up. After 18 yrs of this though, Im not so sure of it. Either way, Im done, unless she can ask for proper help from her pshycologist (SP?), to help her get past her issues, and move on, not, how to learn to attack others.
The only way I will continue on, with a relationship with her is, she must seek proper help. She has sought way to much help that has damaged her, made her issues worse than they should be. She does not see it. She feeds on anger. That is NOT healthy.
((HUGS)) to you all.

[rums_mom]

Remember that she is saying the hurtful things to get to you. To get you to respond in a negative, angry way, to "get your goat". Don't give her the satisfaction.

I applaud you for finding the strength to do this. I don't think I ever could with my sister. She wouldn't read anything I sent anyway. It is best for me to remember what few good times we had, and just forget I even have a sister. Damn, I am about to cry.............best of luck to you.

[vicklynn]

awww rums((HUGS))
I dont have a goat any more when it comes to her, I gave it away...lol.. My heart is not hard twards her, but it is now has a shield. I may cry after were done, and loosing her may hurt, and be a relief. But like you said, remembering your sister in the good times, for me also, will have to do.

[mtnmollie]

I applaud you for finding the strength to do this. I don't think I ever could with my sister. She wouldn't read anything I sent anyway. It is best for me to remember what few good times we had, and just forget I even have a sister. Damn, I am about to cry.............best of luck to you.

I have to forget I ever had a sister too.

I lost my whole family when I stood up to my sister's abuse.

Ouch.

No easy way to deal with family pain.

You confront them and you loose- you dont confront them and you loose-
you put up with abuse and you loose- you don't put up with abuse and loose-

as you can see- I am not good at this. LOL.

Forgiveness means you forgive abusers.

Reconcilation means they want to change-
reconciliation means they want to quit running over top of you.

[qh trail rider]

Family issues are so hard, as well you know. I hope that sending the e-mail helped get all of this off of your chest. More than likely your sister will not change, no matter what you said to her. It would probably be best for you to put all of this behind and accept that it would be best for your sister to not be in your life. The bipolar illness makes it even harder, because she is sick, but you have to do what is right for you and take care of yourself. The stress that this has caused is not good and can take a toll on you, so for your own sake, you have accept that she can't be a part of your life until she straightens her life out. Hopefully, your dad will be able to accept this, too. Best wishes, prayers, and hugs.

[vicklynn]

((HUGS))mtmollie

Tough issues I know. Im glad Ill only be loosing my sister. Ive talked it over with one other sibling, and my dad, they understand and are sorry about it, but know it is what I want and need to do. They are staying out of it, I asked them too. Thing is, they both know it needs to be done, some one needs to make the stand, and it needs to be a sibling, cause my dad has said all he can.
My other brother, well, not sure where he stands in things. He has his own issues he is trying to sort out, and I dont want him to get involved. If he finds out, it'll be via her, not me.

Those last 2 sentences were VERY good.

[vicklynn]

qhrider, thank you.

My dad has accepted her not being in his life, but as time rolls on, she finds a way to email, or call, and just attack him again, and bring up old family issues, most that are not hers.
I will accept her not being in my life, as I have come to find that not thinking about her in my life, is a release in itself. That is sad, but true.

[TLC97]

Vick- HUGE (((((HHUUGGSS))))!!!!!! You need to remember you are not your sister or her damaged baggage. We can choose to be sucked into a vacuum of negativity or take and stand and do what is best for us, our inner self and our soul (with or without the Lord). It is obvious what your sister has chosen. You have taken the higher road, turning the answers in her lap and keeping your faith.

Keep your chin up and your main focus on those that will support you and not wrap up in negativity.

[lovesfortune]

We are here to help you keep with the 24 hour thing. ;)

[mandisue]

I'm here Vick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! * Runs and leaps onto the couch, bouncing Vick into the air!!!*

* Gives her a hug and some chocolate*

:grouphug: maybe one of these too.... :cheers:

[vicklynn]

LMBO mandi,,,wohooo, do it again, I wanna fly...LMBO
Oh wait, maybe Ill just settle in with the chocolate...
Thanks, Im in tears now, from cracking up...

[lovesfortune]

Don't hurt that tooshie of yours on the landing Vick! ;) Better just stick with the chocolate and pass some over to me!

[Gypsy Rose]

I'm no good with advice, so I just thought I'd let you know I'm here for you, too. I'm backing up everyone on the waiting 24 hours plan.

[palomino]

I know all about issues with the fam- Im pulling for you!!!! Im not religious, but I think that your faith is something easily attacked by the faithless. Keep strong, we are all thinking of you!

[vicklynn]

Ya, I know, weather you have faith or not, you should still NOT be attacked by people cause they have issues and you dont. They actually believe that you should. Scarey.
It was just that she attacked me that way. Wouldnt of mattered what it was. She also said I hide behind distance, so I told her the whole reason why I live in MO and not WA. She wont believe it. She will say Im using it as an excuse. I figure, Im almost 48, she can let go now, Im a big girl. She was my mother figure for so many yrs, and wont let go. Heck, my mom let go yrs before she died, not sure why my sis wont.
Funny girl, oh, control freak, which ever you choose..lol

[Cat]

Hugs Vick! :grouphug:

I don't have much advice to give considering what a fun mess my own family is, but I'm a real good listener!

[Sundays Man]

Vick, I'm a little slow on this one, but I'm sorry for your pain. I wish we could all just reach out and make it go away for you. Don't fall into the trap. It sounds like your sister could be a poster child for the "I'll never forgive or forget it" society. Resentment and lack of forgiveness will eat a person alive if left unchecked. Forgive, forget and let go and let God handle it. I'm sorry you have to go through this.