Need advice regarding death of loved one

[lovesfortune]

Nov. 11th will be the one year anniversary of my husband's uncle C's death. I was very close to him as well, and thought of him as my own uncle. He died in a terrible ATV accident. He was 49. He was married for 30 years to M and had 3 kids, with a grandbaby on the way.

Needless to say this year has been rough for all of us. I have tried to show M my support and let her know I am here for her and that we are thinking of her. We email back and forth (She lives in MN) and I try to email her on hard days... his birthday.. their anniversary, etc.

In the past, she has been hard woman to deal with and so hubby's family doesn't necessarily give her a lot of support. I have had my differences with her as well, but death is something that no one should have to go through alone.

Anyways, I wanted to give or send her something on the anniversary since I know it will be a hard day for her.

I really liked this: Reunion Necklace and the poem.
http://www.thecomfortcompany.net/73-0451necklacereunionheartsterlingsilvernecklacewith poem.aspx

Or this saying, but I don't know what she would do with a rock?:
http://www.thecomfortcompany.net/958ithoughtofyouwithlovetodaymemorialgardenstone.a spx

Or this:
http://www.thecomfortcompany.net/thebrokenchainframedsympathyverse3311.aspx

But I don't know if they are appropriate for a year after his death? Do any of you have any ideas? I want her to know we are here for her and that we haven't forgotten about him or her. I know she feels like this a bit since no one else in the family talks about it.

Help?

[Remali]

I really like those garden stones myself, I would love it if someone did that for me. But, hard to say if another person would like it too.....I think it would be a wonderful gesture tho.

[lovesfortune]

See, I guess that's my problem. I don't want her to be offended in any way if she doesn't want something to remember him with? I don't know. I would ask one of her kids, but they are dealing with it as well, and they aren't ready to talk about his death with anyone yet.

[lovesfortune]

Oh and I looked at the store today for a "thinking of you card" or something, but I didn't find anything. I don't want her to remember it all over again or have this reminder.. although I know she'll already be thinking about him....

I just don't know how I would feel in her position?

[vicklynn]

Its a very kind gesture. I think it depends on the person. IF I were extreamly tight with my hubby, and after a yr, still wished every day he were here with me, then yes, it would be a great gift.
Some people die and the spouse moves on, not really caring much. Ive seen 2 people have their husbands die, and with in a yr, or less, they were remarried or even worse, dating within a month, you dont wanna know that last parts story... People, I tell ya.
Id ask someone who is close to her.

[lovesfortune]

Well she is still very much in love with him, even though he's passed. None of the family thinks she will EVER remarry. He is still a lot of what she talks about.

I don't know who I would ask. I don't know her friends and like I said, she doesn't talk about his death with anyone else in the family. Hubby's family is strange. They are close like the brady bunch.. but don't talk about feelings or anything like that. So while this death has effected everyone and we are all hurting, we don't get together and talk about C. We grieve seperately. I don't like it.

[vicklynn]

Well heck, Id do it, if I lived close so I could hug her, and if she needed a good cry, heck what the others thought. Its between you and her.
Im saying that with the info you have given. When my grandfather passed, that could of been something my grandmother would of loved, and very much so appreciated. Nothing more loving than a stone in your garden, of a loved one, even in memory. Im a sap, shut me up.

[lovesfortune]

Okay, well I think I am going to get the saying in the frame. After thinking about it, I think it sums up how their family feels as a whole, so that if she wanted to share it with the kids (2 of which still live at home) that she could. And I also remembered that she already has a memorial garden stone saying something about "only God knows why you were taken from us" or something.

Sound like a good idea? Thanks for helping me out guys. I'm not so much worried about what others think... they know I email her, I just don't want her to be upset by it.

[vicklynn]

Sounds great!!

[lovesfortune]

Okay. It's ordered. And I think they will be coming up either this weekend or the next (he died up here) so I will give it to her then if I get it in time. That way if she needs a good cry or a hug, I'm here for her.

[oursarge]

This is a hard one. People deal with things in different ways. I'm really sorry about your husband's uncle. I lost a loved one on Nov 11 too, not a good day.

Unfortunately I lost alot of uncles at young ages. Our family always sends cards for birthdays, anniverarys etc. It's always been done since my grandmother, we all have calendars with the dates on them, that has been passed down for 4 generations now. For the wedding anniversarys I will send some aunts a Thinking of You card [Hallmark has some nice ones by one artist I can't think of her name, she does alot of bird cards and they aren't mushy, just a simple verse] just to know we didn't forget them. Some of my aunts like that, it makes them feel good they are remembered but one aunt got upset about it. She didn't get mad or anything just really sad. She appreciated the gesture but I got the impression she'd rather not have a reminder, not that she could ever forget but it was like that just made it maybe a little harder when she used to get happy cards and now a Thinking of You. I don't send one to her anymore.

When I lost my horse alot of people send me sympathy cards and that made me feel worse, it was like every one I got made it all come back again. I knew people meant well [I send sympathy cards too but never had to receive them before] but it was hard for me, I cried every time I got one.

It just depends on the person if they would like a reminder or not. It's a real hard call but do what your heart tells you. It is really nice that you care, so many people wouldn't even bother remembering or caring. Good luck with what you decide to do.

[lovesfortune]

Well I just called my sister in law and read her the poem. She started crying, saying it was really wonderful and she thinks that M will like it. So that made me feel better too.

[vicklynn]

Awwww, ((hugs for you both))

[lovesfortune]

When I lost my horse alot of people send me sympathy cards and that made me feel worse, it was like every one I got made it all come back again. I knew people meant well [I send sympathy cards too but never had to receive them before] but it was hard for me, I cried every time I got one.

.

This is the reason I am not sure. But it sounds strange to say, but after C died... I saw him. Really truly saw him. I am the only one that has, and I have only told a few people. Not M. I thought long and hard about starting to email M after he died and after that first email I had a dream/vision where C told me "thank you for taking care of M". I have had another one since then.

After I ordered this gift, I felt like he is thankful that I did this.

Some may say I'm loony...but hopefully some of you know what I'm saying.

[shynbvs]

i like the first one. also, cudos for you for trying to support a *difficult* family member in need!

[vicklynn]

This is the reason I am not sure. But it sounds strange to say, but after C died... I saw him. Really truly saw him. I am the only one that has, and I have only told a few people. Not M. I thought long and hard about starting to email M after he died and after that first email I had a dream/vision where C told me "thank you for taking care of M". I have had another one since then.

After I ordered this gift, I felt like he is thankful that I did this.

Some may say I'm loony...but hopefully some of you know what I'm saying.
Your not loony. I've had that happen.

[Tatesgram]

I think you're a good person for even thinking about doing something for her. I lost three family members last year, it does get a little better as time passes and it's nice to know people don't forget about you.

[Remali]

I think you are doing the right thing. No matter how a person grieves, I think it is a nice thing to have someone do something so nice for you.

I know what you mean tho, some people do not talk about it. I'm the opposite....I talk about my Mom ALL the time, I never want anyone to forget her and I want everyone to remember how awesome and how wonderful she was. I also talk about my Dad too, I never want anyone to think we can't talk about them......both have passed away...my mom eight years ago and my dad three years ago....but it helps me to talk about them. That's just me tho. It's so hard dealing with family losses....I lost my Mother, then a year later my cousin died, he was more like a brother to me (he had lived with us when he was younger), and then my brother-in-law died within six months of my dad passing away. It really hit me hard, but it did help for me to talk about it.....heck, I still talk about it.....always will. People are all different....my aunt, my mother's only sister, never even came to see my Mom before she died, and my aunt has not come up here once in the eight years since my mother passed away, she said she couldn't do it. I am different tho, for me I wanted to be there and I wanted to face it all head-on.....in fact, I worked at the hospital where my mother passed away at....I wasn't sure how that would go though...and I even had to go up on the same floor she was on and walk past "that room", on more than one occasion....but I knew my mother would have been proud of me and would have told me it was OK.

I cried too when I got cards or things made for me after Kara died, and after my parents died....I was sad, but then receiving those cards and other things to remember Kara by, and to remember my mom and dad, did make me feel good tho, it made me feel so good to know that someone cared enough to do that for me. So, I bet she will be very happy with what you are getting her.

[lovesfortune]

Thanks Renee. :) I think she is a lot like you. She has told me that she wants to talk about C so that we don't forget.