help me out here...possible confrontation with a BM

[Horseaholic]

I'm going to my "old" barn to watch my niece (who rides there) have her end of camp horse show. Last week I took my niece to a friends house to try out a horse I asked about free leasing (she's for sale but my friend has had her since she was a yearling. She did everything with her - she wasn't halter broke when she got her) She's 7 now. She's a reallyyy cute hunter and good jumper too with loads of show experience.
We got there and I told my niece (she's a very young 11 year old but thinks she's hot you know what ;) ) to watch my friend ride her then she could get on her...I'm still not convinced my niece reallyyy wants to be a good rider...I think she gets a thrill out of everyone watching her and just being up on a horse...she doesn't care if she's doing things right sometimes and it really bugs me. I thought maybe the prospect of leasing a horse would make her more serious about everything.
So fast forward to about 20 minutes in on the ride and she ask to canter this mare...my friend tells her how to ask for the canter quietly on this mare and my niece doesn't listen (her trainer doesn't teach the girls how to ask for a canter properly in the first place and since I'm just her evil aunt who is constantly trying to help her improve her riding skills she thinks I don't know anything...) so my friend gets onto her about not kicking the mare like that right off the bat and my niece ask for the canter the right way (after being told by the owner for the third time) and off they go...nice canter but I can just tell her and this horse are not vibeing...

she stops and changes direction and my niece apparently thought it was appropriate to trot this horse under a tree where she (my niece) basically disappears into the tree and off this mare goes because it scared the living crap out of her...my niece stuck the first buck at the canter but not the second and off she flew (this is her second fall and before she got on she says "oh I like to fall..it's cool!" well...she didn't like that fall because it wasn't a horse refusing a jump and her smoothly falling forward off the horse she really bit it and HARD. After a good cry she got back on and trotted the horse around for a bit and we called it a day...NO jumping (because honestly I don't think my niece should be jumping at all).
Ms. drama queen finds it necessary to go to her camp the next day and MILK this fall big time..saying her head is killing her (she tried to sneak a huge icepack and my sister asked her what it was and she started saying mommm my heaadddd...so when my sister told her to get back in the car and they'd go home and call the doctor her head was miraculously better) and this horse was HUGE and yada yada yada...my sister gets a text from the BM (her trainer) chewing her out that lexie shouldn't be riding horses without her present and that she could have gotten hurt and that this horse was too much for her (she doesn't even know the dang horse and she's upset because they're trying to get her to lease a horse at their barn) so of course my sister says it was me that took her - whatever I don't really care because it's none of her business (the owner of the horse we tried out comes from a family full of trainers and gives lessons herself as well) but I KNOW she's going to say something to me today sooo after that long book how can I respond? I don't want to get flustered or turn it into something it's not but I want to stand my ground too.

I'm hoping she wont say anything to me but if she does I want to be prepared and not come off rude/angry or sheepish either lol.

[miatapony]

well did you have moms permission to have your neice out there to ride this horse? if so then all i would say is she is fine and all is well smile and walk away.

[Horseaholic]

oh yes, I had moms permission for sure! :)

yea that's a simple and easy response :p

[miatapony]

well then there you go tell her to shove it and SMILE very largely and walk away ... omg its gonna be one of those days for me...lol

[Horseaholic]

hahahahaha

[WashingtonBay]

Don't give her ownership of your niece. She's your niece.

If she's concerned, let her be... Say you're concerned too, and glad she wasn't hurt, and that you'd hoped it would be a better match, because she's a nice horse, but it wasn't. You'll keep looking :)

Don't start out with your guns out... leave them in your pocket till needed. :)

[sweetcakes2005]

I wouldn't worry to much about it in the end she is your niece and her trainer probably just feels threatened that you might try and take her to another barn for lessons. She cant stop you from going to see the show, so don't worry about it.

[cowgirlup@idaho]

If she approaches you, just remember that you don't owe her an explanation of anything and you certainly don't have to defend yourself or what you tried to accomplish at all. She probably won't say a word to you.

[Palogal]

oh yes, I had moms permission for sure! :)

yea that's a simple and easy response :p

The BM was way out of line for chewing your sister out, and would be for chewing you out if she did. She needs to get over herself, she's not the child's mother and does not control what she is allowed or not allowed to do.

[Palogal]

well then there you go tell her to shove it and SMILE very largely and walk away ... omg its gonna be one of those days for me...lol


This would be my reaction...

[outriding01]

Just channel me Michelle.... :). Actually let me know if you need any back up, you know what a huge fan I am of Hidden Lark... not.

[Horseaholic]

:p no confrontation was had. She wasn't here (someone else is running the camp) your fave person peyton ;)

[JackieB]

Well, glad you didn't have a confrontation. But it's really important to keep in mind that such a situation never needs to become a confrontation. And the reason for that is because there's no confrontation to be had if you don't decide to argue with her. Keep in mind, Michelle, that it's your decision. She can say any-thing she wants, but you still have a decision to make with regard to your response.

So, if you get...."She could have been hurt.....She shouldn't be riding without me....", I would say what WB suggested. "Thanks for your concern. I'm so glad she wasn't injured, either. That horse didn't turn out to be a good fit for her." And if she persists, then "Talk to Lexi's mom. She makes the decisions regarding Lexie's riding." Then stop. NO MATTER WHAT!

It's a tough thing to train ourselves to do, but with effort, we can gain control of both our responses to these situations and how we let them affect us. I learned this in my mid-30's after many years of painfully repeating the same mistakes by allowing myself to be drawn into this negative stuff. You can start now and gain a dozen years on me. :)

[Dandy21]

This reminds me of a similar set of instances that I had when I used to ride at a barn. When it was starting to warm up or before it had cooled off we were always warned not to run our horses, for fear of them overheating. The horse I rode foams like nobody's business even if he's not hot, and one day, I let him have a 5 min trot followed by slow walking for another 5-10 minutes before bringing him back to the barn. Well this "trainer" came up and lit into my friends and I because I had run him too hard and he was too hot and told us to get off and walk our horses back to the barn. We did, but we told the BO about what she'd done, and the BO just shook her head and told us not to listen to her. Eventually the woman got the hint and left -- she never worked there and had a tendency to "borrow" the horses without asking, which led to locks on the pastures, not to mention she annoyed every employee the BO had. That was a crazy time indeed.

I tell this story because this person had no power over or affect on me, but my response was still to follow her word and then tell the higher up. I think not allowing her to get to you is the best course of action. As for your niece... I don't have any words of wisdom for that!

[Palogal]

An old boss of mine used to say "It takes one dumb*** to say something stupid, it takes two to make a conversation out of it"

[FredRock]

The BM was way out of line for chewing your sister out, and would be for chewing you out if she did. She needs to get over herself, she's not the child's mother and does not control what she is allowed or not allowed to do.

Agreed. If I had a kid and a trainer tried to pull that on me, she wouldn't be my daughter's trainer anymore.

[Palogal]

Agreed. If I had a kid and a trainer tried to pull that on me, she wouldn't be my daughter's trainer anymore.


No kidding. It is entirley unprofessional to chew a client out anyway, believe me I've wanted to. If the client is doing something you find unacceptable you sever the business relationship. But it's completely improper for anyone to judge what a parent does or does not allow his/her child to do.

[offgridgirl]

An old boss of mine used to say "It takes one dumb*** to say something stupid, it takes two to make a conversation out of it"

I like this saying!! Can I use it??;)

[TheBadLands]

Glad it all worked out!

[Palogal]

I like this saying!! Can I use it??;)


Absolutely :)

[FredRock]

No kidding. It is entirley unprofessional to chew a client out anyway, believe me I've wanted to. If the client is doing something you find unacceptable you sever the business relationship. But it's completely improper for anyone to judge what a parent does or does not allow his/her child to do.

Yep. I had a similar instance with a trainer who tried to "take over" my trainer's students while she was gone having a baby. The woman was unprofessional and tried to tell me that pretty much everything that I was doing with the gelding I leased at the time was wrong, and that I needed to buy this different saddle, etc. Not for nothing, but the horse hadn't been ridden in 2 years before I started with him, and I had been riding for like 2 years. She actually made me cry, and my parents flipped out because I was a minor and they weren't present for this "lesson." Well the horse/barn owner supported this trainer, and lost a very good leasee.

Same thing with the trainer I had for Cheyenne. She was trying to take her over a little too much (wanted me to do a free lease with another student of hers, etc), so when she went to have a baby and I went to college, I haven't contacted her, and never plan to. She did a great job, but she needs to learn that she doesn't own my horses- I'm the one who calls the shots. She kept telling me things that she felt I did "wrong," that were just judgement calls (like rest periods after an injury). Tried to tell me not to bute Cheyenne after a fall so she could "heal completely." I feel bad for the woman who is a beginner and takes lessons with her, because she really doesn't know as much as she claims.