Holidays and Relationships... how do you chose?

[AUEquine]

Well this has been the first year I've had to face this issue. In the past things have never been an issue or I didn't care enough for my SO so I just went with my family. But Tim and I are facing huge issues of where to spend holidays!

Thanksgiving has obviously all been settled, and we're spending the whole thing with my family. This isn't really the way we wanted it, but just kinda the way it happened. We had originaly planned to spend Tday with my family, hunt the next 3 days and the have a T-day with his family. But then his family moved their sunday T-day to Friday. So now he's missing all of his family's thanksgiving!
I know his mom is a bit upset that he won't be there, but I think she's ok with it. Especially since we live in the same town and see them almost weekly for meals/church/etc.

But now we move on to Christmas. My family planned to have the family Christmas the weekend of the 20th (this is my whole family 40+ people, and we're all like bros and sisters). Well now his family has decided to have theirs on the same day!

So Tim really wants to be with his family for this, since he's missing T-day and both his brothers will be there and won't be able to make it for actual christmas day.
I want to be with my family. For the main reason of the fact that my cousin is dying and each family event/ holiday is precious for us to get to spend with her! I just won't be able to live with myself if I miss one, and it's the last one.
And of course we want to spend the holidays together, and have the other one present with our families!

So I ask the advice of my older, wiser, experienced forumers... how do you juggle two families and the holidays?

[WashingtonBay]

Are they in the same town? You can stop in at both.

[Kaitlyn]

Follow WB's advice if possible. Fortunately and unfortunately for me, my BF's family..is crazy in the least, let's say that. And there's too many cousins, ma's and I'm my own grandpa type of situation that he's willing to not be a part of his family's holidays because it's so dramatic.

On edit: as far as I'm concerned, you need to be more concerned with seeing your cousin at this point, then his family. Tough to say but his family doesn't mean as much to you as your dying cousin, she/he should be top priority.

[WashingtonBay]

On the other hand, hard feelings now (fair or unfair) can set a tone for the rest of your relationship with your SO's family, should it last, and that's a stress you want to avoid if possible. There should be other opportunities to visit the cousin too.

So I'd try to do both. Where are you spending your actual Christmas? Any way to visit each at other times as well?

[AUEquine]

The two families are 2 hours appart. I am still hoping on doing them both! I'd love it if we could spend satruday one place and sunday the other! But I guess we'll just have to see how things go!

I'm guessing right now if worse comes to worse we'll just split and go to our own families alone, kind of a bummer, but if it keeps the families happy we can do it. I have definlaty told him that I feel very strongly about not missing a family function because of my cousin (which is why we've been home 3 out of the last 5 weekends). And he completely understands this. And I completely understand him wanting to be with his brothers (who both live out of town) for the holidays he can.
It's kind of a blessing and a curse. I've found a wonderful man with the same strong sense of family I have!

As far as the actual christmas day... I have no clue! My plans will be based on my brother's plans. He has the 3 kids (all under 2yrs) so Christmas for us will revolve around them. We haven't even gotten this far in the planning yet!


Next year for the holidays I'm taking a vaccation to Hawaii... anyone who wants to spend the holidays with me can come there!

[Kowgirlkate]

My inlaws are right next door and my fam is 2 hours away. We visit both on holidays if the events get planned on the same day- morning/dinner with his fam, afternoon/supper with mine. It can be done :)

[Syble413]

Au, I have one word for you ........compromise. Like WB said, why can't you do both. Maybe go to the first function but just don't stay as long as you originally planned. Then, go to the second one & at least get there in time for dessert or something. That way, you & Tim are still spending the day together & you get to see both families too......everyone is satisfied.;)

[vicklynn]

Yup, do both. Which family is going to have everyone at their house earlier, go there first. It makes for a tiring day, but is so worth it.

[grandmadeb]

Do both if you can. Each family wants to see you and of course they want you for the whole time, but if you explain that you need to do both, they will probably understand. My family was in Maine and his family was in Maryland so we split the holidays the first year of out marriage. Had they been in the same town or just closer, we would have done both for each holiday. It will make the holiday a bit crazy for you but both families will be happy.

[AppyLady]

When my brother and sister got married, they would rotate the holidays. One year they'd spend Thanksgiving here, with our folks, and Christmas at the inlaws. The next year they'd do just the opposite.

Now that our parents have passed away, I never know what's going on. I just go wherever they tell me to go. Or stay home alone.

[grandmadeb]

Our parents are gone now too and we are scattered all over the place. Brother in FLA, sister in Chicago, aunts and cousins CT, another cousin in CA, husband's sisters in SC and MD. We do not get together for the holidays anymore but I remember the times that we did and cherish everyone of them.

[lovesfortune]

We have 3 families to go to for every holiday. My parents divorced and both remarried, so that's two. And then I have my in-laws.

A few years back my husband and I got sick of trying to squeeze 3 places 30 min. apart into one day. Who has room to eat 3 Thanksgiving dinners?! So we told my dad we weren't coming for Thanksgiving anymore and if he wanted to celebrate the holiday he could come to us. Now it's nice because there are no expectations of the holiday from him. He knows we aren't coming so it's less stressful for everyone.

That being said though, we do make a point to go there for Christmas and spend as much time as possible with them since we didn't see them for Tday. And the other two families are okay with this since we saw them for Tday.

It's a lot of stress. I think trying to get to both of them in one day is a good idea. Maybe you can start planning now for next year though? Say you'll do Tday with one side and Christmas EVE with the same family and then Christmas Day with the other, etc.

Since starting our own families we've had to move away from old family traditions and try to start our own.. but we still try to keep our parents involved.

[JetLagaside]

I'd try to do both as well.
I'm gratefull we don't have it that complicated, my parents are both gone and his mom lives 1/2 across the country so his 2 sisters and I just trade off how's cooking unless we are off to see his mom which we try to do every other year.

[shelsnsaus]

Oh, I can so understand the position you are in. We nipped our family holiday issues in the bud after the first year. My MIL is still rather controlling and is always trying to switch things up last minute, but thankfully I have the support of SIL and BIL who squelch things rather quickly. If it were up to my MIL we'd never see my family and spend the entire week at her house.

The way we do it that makes it as fair as possible to everyone, and doesn't have us spending the entire day shoving food down our throats and jumping in the car. This year, T-day will be spent with MIL's family so therefore Christmas will be with my family and the day after with his. Next year it will switch and t-day will be with my family and Christmas with his, and the day after with mine.

The year that we have Christmas with his family its always done at my house, however, my mother refuses to give up having Christmas with her family in her home, so on the years its with her, its at her house. If my mother would give up Christmas at her house we could feasibly have everyone at ours. The big problem is MIL can be quite controlling and will not share the grandkids, she'll intentionally duplicate gifts and steal someonelse's thunder so its usually best to keep her away from my mom. For whatever reason she feels threatened by my mom, and things on her side, can get quite ugly at times. She is quite the manipulator.

Despite this being the way we've done things for nearly 7 years now, MIL this year is trying to switch things up, as usual. Since this is not the year to be at her house for Christmas - she wants us to spend Christmas eve at her house and stay the night. Like its easy to move three kids etc. One of which is at her dad's Christmas Eve every year.

Yeah, its tons of fun. If you sit down and explain to them that you want to be with everyone but its not possible to have good family time with both families in the same day, do you think it can be worked out.

That was hard for both of us, but it worked. Prior to me, Jake always spent Holidays with his family, and my sig other prior to Jake did nothing, so we were at my mom's. It wasn't an issue than. No family wanted to give up their right to spend the holidays with their whole family. However, after the first year, when we'd literally walk in the door, eat, and walk back out, it was obvious to everyone that something needed to be done. It was not enjoyable for us, or for any of our family.

Best of luck to you and whatever you work out. Approach both sides of the family about the issues and not just one side. The compromise needs to be on everyone's behalf in order for there to be no hard feelings.