New update on Jake

[Gypsy Rose]

Got a phone call from my godfather yesterday. I had asked at the care conference that they notify him first of any changes. There's a reason I set it up thaat way, which will be revealed in a minute.

Apparently, so far as physically, Jake is doing well. However, mentally, they're not very optomistic at this point.

The reason they called was to find out if either my godfather or myself were willing to take responsibility as Jake's guardian or representative. Evidently, they chose to ignore what was said at the care conference. My godfather told them absolutely not for either of us. They really seemed to want to push the issue that I would be the best one to care for Jake. There is no way that I would be able to care for Jake in his conditon, nor do I have the space. My godfather is in his seventies, and has had two bypass surgeries.

From what I understand at this point, it's highly unlikely that Jake would even know who either of us were. It would be like caring for a stranger. My godfather was finally able to convince them that Jake would get far better care if he were to have an independent representative.

Whew! I guess it's time everyone knew why I don't want to deal with Jake at all. You see, he was a very mentally abusive and controlling person. We got divorced over six yars ago for a reason! The problem was that with his low income, and his lack of motivation in finding his own place, it was almost impossible to get him to move. I know some of you are going to tell me why didn't I just kick him out, but things were a little more involved than that. I'll only say that persons and agencies higher up were too satisfied with the way things were. Saved the gov't. money, don't you know!

This definitely wasn't the way things should have happened in order for me to gain my freedom, but I'm definitely not going to put myself in an even worse position than I was before.

I only hope that someday, Jake does regain his short term memory- it would be awful to be living in the past in your mind.

To the best of my knowledge, they're still planning on moving him back here to our hometown, but I have no clue at this point where he will end up. I imagine eventually, his representative will be contacting me to retrieve Jake's personal belongings- maybe then, I'll be able to find out more.

Meanwhile, I'm going to continue to reconnect with friends, and rebuild my life independently again.

I hope no one takes offense at what I've posted here, but it really is the best solution for everyone.

[lovesfortune]

I'm sorry that it had to come about this way too. I must say I was a bit confused as to why you didn't want to go see him, etc, but now this explains it a bit more as to the entire situation.

I'm glad you are rebuilding your life and trying to start over.

[WashingtonBay]

I'm very sorry it's turned out this way. I understand a little better though, that helps!

Good luck. It seems you're going to need it. I don't have any experience to know how them assigning a representative is going to work but I wish you the best.

[Lakota's Pet]

Gypsy, I'm sorry that things have haapened this way. Hopefully things will get sorted out, but in the meantime, I'm glad that you are starting to rebulid your life. I'll be thinking of you, it can't be easy what you're dealing with.

[JackieB]

Thanks for sharing such intimate details with us. It wasn't necessary, but we appreciate your trust.

It's OK to feel a sense of relief at being able to get your life back. Who wouldn't? I'm sure you want the best for Jake, and you were absolutely right to refuse to allow the state to get you to care for him.

All best wishes.

[Gypsy Rose]

Thanks so much everyone- this has been really hard for me. So many people locally didn't even realize what was going on- all they noticed was that we were always together. Going places by myself was not an option. Let's just say that life was difficult for me any time I went anywhere on my own when I got home.

It wasn't until after he went into the hospital that some of our mutual friends came forward and told me he'd been this way before with other women, but they didn't know what to do about it then, let alone now.

Ordinarily, I wouldn't be so open about something like this, but it was getting harder and harder for me to see people not understanding why I wasn't at Jake's side as much as I could be. I feel better getting this out in the open. I didn't want my forum friends to think less of me because of my actions.

[FoxFireEMT]

Gypsy: I would be the last person to ever judge anyone in any aspect of their life. If you would of kept it quiet I would of never questioned or asked what the deal was. I'm sorry you had to go through the pain & problems that may have been creative & I wish you all of the best in your new independence. God Bless.

[Remali]

I think that is the best for Jake, and for you too. Jake is going to need an incredible amount of assistance from his caregiver, and his needs are probably going to be best met in an assisted living facility, or wherever they think he needs to be placed. I took care of my father for a while, and let me tell you while I would have had it no other way at the time, now I know I needed a lot more help and it was horribly difficult, it was so stressful I got sick and rundown. But with Jake's past with you, and now his current condition, he really is better off in an environment such as assisted living or group home, or somewhere that he has caregivers other than yourself. You have to take care of yourself too.

[oursarge]

Thanks for sharing such intimate details with us. It wasn't necessary, but we appreciate your trust.

It's OK to feel a sense of relief at being able to get your life back. Who wouldn't? I'm sure you want the best for Jake, and you were absolutely right to refuse to allow the state to get you to care for him.

All best wishes.

I love when JackieB posts first then I can just say what he says! He says it so much better. I had a feeling there was more than what was being said but figured it wasn't my business to ask. I totally understand now and I think you are doing the right thing.

My aunt gave up her life to an abusive husband, she was afraid to leave because he said he'd kill her and she was sure he would. My aunt got very sick and died but before she went she told my cousin he would try to guilt her into staying with him. She told her do not do it, go live her life how she should and do not worry about him since he did not worry about them when they were growing up. When my aunt died my cousin helped her father the best she could but then when it was clear it wasn't going to work and he couldn't care for himself he went to the VA Hospital where he is now and she went off to do what she wanted to do with her life. She's out of state now, going to college and hoping to move to Colorado which is her real dream.

Some people in the family think it's just terrible that she didn't stay with her father. I don't see it that way, I see that he sucked the life out of my aunt, she was terrified most of the time, the kids were not treated well so why should they give up their lives for him now. They deserve happiness as adults since he didn't give them any as kids. he is being well cared for in a place where he belongs. He even met a woman there to be his girlfriend. I hope he treats her better than my aunt.

People never know what goes on behind closed doors so nobody has room to judge. I hope that you can go on and be very happy and I hope all the best for Jake but not at your expense. It sounds like you gave up enough of your life for him.

[Gypsy Rose]

One of the things I learned through all this is that mental abuse can be far worse than physical- I feel like I wasted so much of my life, and I refuse to do that ever again- life's too short!

Thanks everyone for understanding- it means a lot.

[Remali]

Mental abuse can be devastating. I'm glad you are letting the authorities take over Jake's care.

[oursarge]

Mental abuse is bad, my cousin went through that, she said sometimes she wished he hit her at least the bruises would heal, she'll never forget the words.

I am glad you are stepping back and letting someone else deal with it and you can live your life now. I'm sure this isn't the way you wished for your freedom but that's how it happened and now you can go on, you paid your dues to him.

[Tatesgram]

Casual observers never know what goes on behind closed doors. I'm very happy that you have chosen to take care of yourself and rebuild your life. Abuse, mental or physical, will color how you preceive things forever. With some (the victims), it makes them more considerate of others, yet some turn cold and bitter and take out their pain on others.

I believe you to be one of the strong ones, that you will take you life experience and let it make you stronger and better. It sure sounds like you deserve happiness and I pray you find it.

[grandmadeb]

As I see it, your responsibility for him ended 6 years ago and for whatever reason you got stuck with him. I am glad you have decided to reclaim your life and can now have the life you should have had for the last 6 years. BRAVO! Don't feel bad and don't let others make you feel bad. If they care that much about him maybe they will take him.

[WashingtonBay]

I'm just glad to understand a little better what's going on... not because it's our business (it isn't) but because it can help us say things that are a lot more germane and helpful to you when you want to talk about it. When this happened I was focused on him and his condition... and getting you up there to see him more and get prepared for what's to come in caring for him... and that's apparently the last thing you needed from us. So it is frustrating for both of us, I'm sure, for us to not know what's really going on.

Hopefully now we can be more on point. I sure hope he gets what he needs, but I hope you can now have what you've needed for a long time too.

[JackieB]

You're too kind to me, oursarge. Thank you for your kind words. And how wonderful for your cousin that she isn't going to have to suffer the way her mom did.

[oursarge]

You're too kind to me, oursarge. Thank you for your kind words. And how wonderful for your cousin that she isn't going to have to suffer the way her mom did.


You're welcome JackieB. You always seem to know just the right thing to say. You remind me of one of my best friends, he is the same. He has gotten me through alot. We've known each other since we were 17.

I am happy for my cousin too, my aunt's life was not pleasant and nobody could help her and that was the sad part. People do judge my cousin and I just tell them they don't know, they didn't live there she needs to live her own life. It's so easy for people to tell others what they should and shouldn't do. I never do that, nobody ever knows what goes on behind closed doors. I did in that house because I stayed with them alot. My aunt was a wonderful person who didn't deserve what she got, her kids are the best and I am glad they have both overcome their childhoods to be the best. They are very special to me.

[PoniesRock101]

gypsy glad your finally spreading your wings... and i agree it would be better someone else taking care of him.

[Gypsy Rose]

People on the outside either don't want to see, or can't see. Unfortunately, a lot of times it comes down to the seeing is believing thing.

[Equine_Woman]

Big hugs from me, I'm sorry it took this to get you your freedom but I'm glad you got your freedom!! I hope he does well and I know you will!!! Thank you for sharing with us. :grouphug:

[mtnmollie]

One of the things I learned through all this is that mental abuse can be far worse than physical- I feel like I wasted so much of my life, and I refuse to do that ever again- life's too short!

Thanks everyone for understanding- it means a lot.

Yep. Hugs and prayers.

I have had mental and physical abuse- both are not good but I prefur physical.
It heals.

The holes my sister carved in my flesh as a child are just scars but the mental chases me like a ghost sometimes. I have to make my mind behave somedays-

Whatsoever things are good and joyful and loving and kind-
think on this.

Horses are good for the wounded heart.

[KittySawrus]

Big, supportive hugs to you, Gypsy. I can't get over how trsuting everyone is n the forum. I would never had thought any worse of you - I don't know your whole story - but explaining yourself is so good of you, if there was anyone who was doubting you.
I can't say I've had much experience of having to care for those who cannot look after themselves (unless you count my short spurts with Great Gran, but that was mostly whilst she was sleeping) so I have no idea what's going through your head right now. But things sound like things're on the up for you. I hope you can reconnect with everyone well and get out and about somewhat :) here's to 2009!