Brothers... (advice please)

[alittleoffkey]

My younger brother has a good friend who I've adopted as my little sister - let's call her K. K has some serious family issues, and she's taken some big hits in the past year (including losing her mother). Unfortunately, K has picked a great guy to date, who is perfect in every way, except he hits her (minor detail, right? :mad:). So today, my brother and one of his buddies attempted to beat up her beau. :doh: They got pulled apart before any real damage was done... no one's filed any charges yet, anyway.

My brother has convinced himself that if he beats up this little *ahem* on a regular basis, then he'll stop beating K. Nevermind that silly zero tolerance for violence at his school; nevermind that no abuser in the history of ever has been hit by someone else and said "Oh, m' bad."

I love K, I really do. She's a sweetheart and literally the little sister I never had, but she's the only one who can stop this. I've talked with her about how she's better than this. If beating the guy would change anything, then I would've been first in line. When she decides to end it, then I'll be the first one pointing a gun if he so much as looks at her. Mother and I have spent over an hour trying to convince my bro that when K says "I've had enough", then it will end... but not until then.

This is really the cherry on the cake for my mother with all the other family issues right now... any thoughts on how to convince little bro not to get kicked out of school? :(

[WashingtonBay]

I respect his chivalry, but you're right. She needs to end this. And you're right to look out for her when she does, or even, now. Guys like that get humiliated in public like this... they take it out on her.

[MyHorseBiggs]

About how old are the people you're talking about? :/ I'm a little confussed...

[alittleoffkey]

Thanks WB. I told him that his heart was in the right place, but he needed to add his head to the mix so he can convince her that she's better than this. But he's a 16 year old boy... they're not exactly notorious for using their brains.

Sorry Biggs, little bro's 16, K's 15. Which makes it that much more frustrating.

Edit: In bro's defense - he has gone to the school counselor. Groups of her friends have gone to the counselor multiple times; she always denies it.

[mare]

Incredibly frustrating situation. I just hope K gets out of the situation and your brother doesn't get caught/in trouble for trying to help.

[miatapony]

K needs to stand up for herself and stop it. as for your bro just tell him to be safe school is important. BESAFE

[JackieB]

I think you are doing all you can, ALOK. Good luck with it. I hope your brother, and K, will listen to you before this gets any worse.

[Vibe]

I think you are in the perfect mindset ALOK! You are exactly right. And as for your brother, his heart is in the right place. And as for K.. Well my opinion is,.. And most of you wont agree with it. To me it is ridiculous. She is totally out of her mind for staying in a relationship with this guy. And IMO it is just as much her fault and stupidity for staying with him. She shouldn't have to put up with that under any circumstances.

[Ragnar Danneskjold]

I respect his chivalry, but you're right. She needs to end this. And you're right to look out for her when she does, or even, now. Guys like that get humiliated in public like this... they take it out on her.

Very good advice. She needs to just get out. Guys like that can't be fixed and it only gets worse with time.

[Ryderd65]

I think you are in the perfect mindset ALOK! You are exactly right. And as for your brother, his heart is in the right place. And as for K.. Well my opinion is,.. And most of you wont agree with it. To me it is ridiculous. She is totally out of her mind for staying in a relationship with this guy. And IMO it is just as much her fault and stupidity for staying with him. She shouldn't have to put up with that under any circumstances.


That's blaming the victim, and its hardly helpful. If she had high self esteem, she wouldn't be in this situation.
Abusers target people with low self esteem and look for vulnerabilities they can manipulate. It's predatory behavior and not the girls fault.

Your brother is trying to do a nice thing ALOK. It must feel good to have such a caring brother. I hope he able to extract himself from the situation and that K discovers her own self worth. And you're a sweet person for being so concerned about them both.:)

[zoel_222]

That's blaming the victim, and its hardly helpful. If she had high self esteem, she wouldn't be in this situation.
Abusers target people with low self esteem and look for vulnerabilities they can manipulate. It's predatory behavior and not the girls fault.


You're very right. It's not the girl's fault. She's not stupid for staying with him, she's just confused. She's being manipulated by this guy. He's probably saying something to her like "no one else is ever gonna want you, you're just lucky you have me etc." After he beats he probably apologizes being like "oh I love you so much, I never meant to hurt you, forgive me, blah blah blah" and just sucks her back in. :mad: It's a horrible thing and you shouldn't EVER blame the victim.

You're doing all you can ALOK. She's the only one who can end it and you're doing right by trying to talk with her. I hope she realizes she can do better and dumps this loser.

[outriding01]

Is there any way you can convince her to talk with a professional? I see the school counselor has tried to talk to her but she won't? Maybe she is afraid of getting the bf in trouble. But I think the best thing is to get her some help and counseling for her self esteem issues. And just keep trying to reinforce to her how many people love her and how great of a person she is, etc.

[vicklynn]

How about telling them when she has marks. How about her father, does he know? Where are they when he does it, in private? If not, can you take pics?
Id loose a friend to save a friend, but thats me. I DONT DO abuse.
I was abused heavily by my sons father, but he knows Ill kick his *** if he ever crossed me again, and actually I have tried, he lucky someone was there to stop me, Id of killed him, or put him in the hospital that day, why? he hurt my son.
I sure hope she gets smart soon and gets away from him.

[alittleoffkey]

Telling her father isn't an option, he wouldn't do anything about it... except drink a few more beers. Her beau does it over the weekend, when she goes to his house to visit - it would be so easy for her to stop this if she just would.

Thanks for the suggestion outriding, I don't really know if it's an option but I honestly hadn't thought of it. :)

[prissy18]

Ok i can speak from past abuse.
I was abused by one of my bf. I was also abused alot by my cuzin No one knows that beside a selected few. But she is scared.If you tell they will come back after you. He is just targeting her. I wish i could talk to her. But all this is doing in hurting her. Its not her fault. She is weak. I know what she's going through its hard to end it. i never told my parents.I never will. BUT give her space for awhile let her try to make her own choice

[WashingtonBay]

If you called a domestic violence shelter and talked to some of the outreach workers yourself, ALOK, you might get some valid advice on what to say to her, what works, what doesn't work, and what your best approach should be.

[AppyLover]

*prissy* you do realize this is a PUBLIC forum and everything written here leaves here...right? So if you don't want the info you posted out, remove it.


Alok, You have a good heart and so does your brother. Keep turning it in to the counclers try and catch undeniable proof of what is going on. But in the end only she can stop it. I hope your brother stays smart about his helping...

[prissy18]

I changed it.
Just try to see if she'll make her own decision

[elevenelevenxo]

If you called a domestic violence shelter and talked to some of the outreach workers yourself, ALOK, you might get some valid advice on what to say to her, what works, what doesn't work, and what your best approach should be.

I agree with WB.

This girl needs help and she needs it now, but that help will never come unless she decides for herself that she doesn't want to stay in the situation. It certainly is a catch 22 for her. Staying....it's obvious why that's bad, but the thought of leaving is scary because she probably feels very alone and vulnerable without her mother. This guy might be the only person she feels is there for her and he probably warps her into thinking that abusing her isn't actually abuse....and she has no other option.

Try talking to a professional or at the very least, maybe a teacher.

But your brother absolutely needs to step back, as difficult as that is. All it's going to do is likely worsen the situation for this girl and she may decide not to confide in people anymore.

[Vibe]

That's blaming the victim, and its hardly helpful. If she had high self esteem, she wouldn't be in this situation.
Abusers target people with low self esteem and look for vulnerabilities they can manipulate. It's predatory behavior and not the girls fault.

Your brother is trying to do a nice thing ALOK. It must feel good to have such a caring brother. I hope he able to extract himself from the situation and that K discovers her own self worth. And you're a sweet person for being so concerned about them both.:)

Oh come on, she wouldn't be a victim if she left him! She can leave him any time she wants, and she has great people to be there and support her when she does! I am almost her age and I have to much respect for myself to let anyone do that to me. And my self esteem isn't great! Stop with all that crap..:rolleyes:

[Vibe]

How about telling them when she has marks. How about her father, does he know? Where are they when he does it, in private? If not, can you take pics?
Id loose a friend to save a friend, but thats me. I DONT DO abuse.
I was abused heavily by my sons father, but he knows Ill kick his *** if he ever crossed me again, and actually I have tried, he lucky someone was there to stop me, Id of killed him, or put him in the hospital that day, why? he hurt my son.
I sure hope she gets smart soon and gets away from him.

You go girl!;)

[Ryderd65]

Oh come on, she wouldn't be a victim if she left him! She can leave him any time she wants, and she has great people to be there and support her when she does! I am almost her age and I have to much respect for myself to let anyone do that to me. And my self esteem isn't great! Stop with all that crap..:rolleyes:


Having compassion for others isn't "crap".

I know when things are falling on deaf ears, so I'll say no more.

[WashingtonBay]

Don't look at what Gazette says as a negative. I think it is compassionate, and is probably the kind of pep talk she needs. "oh it's not your fault, you're just weak" isn't. "You're strong, and you shouldn't stay with this jerk" is.

Honest. There's lots of ways to say it. The difference is semantics. The main goal is that she hears one of them.

[alittleoffkey]

I agree with you, WB. Mother and I had a lengthy discussion on the whole subject and agree that what she needs is some tough love, to show her that someone does care about her, that she is worth the effort of anger... especially since her father won't be bothered.

She's more amazing than this; she can find someone infinitely better - someone who'll appreciate her for the wonderful young woman she is. She just has to realize it, and being nice hasn't gotten anyone anywhere.

[cowboyup3371]

It sounds to me that she really needs some good honest company that only true friends can provide. If her dad isn't there for her and her mom recently died, this jerk is probably all the attention she's really getting now.

Personally, I think she'll realize what's going on when she's ready and not when anyone else tell her. Just keep being the friend you are and maybe try to keep her involved with others in group situations that will provide the right kind of support.

Just my :2cents:

[Vibe]

Don't look at what Gazette says as a negative. I think it is compassionate, and is probably the kind of pep talk she needs. "oh it's not your fault, you're just weak" isn't. "You're strong, and you shouldn't stay with this jerk" is.

Honest. There's lots of ways to say it. The difference is semantics. The main goal is that she hears one of them.


Thanks WB that honestly is what I am trying to get at. And sorry if it came across rude its just, to many people obviously love her. She shouldn't let herself be hurt like that. Or let her family and friends worry. I am a tough lover, Its how I was raised.:);)