I'm depressed...

[menagerie]

Is it just me or have the men in this world forgotten what wives should really mean to them.

I'm reminded tonite of how my husband (may) covort with other females when he's out and about during daily life and work. I'm a very loyal and dedicated person when I enter a relationship, and really can't understand why others think its a good thing to flirt with someone of the opposite sex. I mean if you aren't willing to make that commitment then why are you 'commiting' yourself to anyone anyway? To my way of thought, if I have the capability of looking upon my husband as the one and only then why don't I deserve the same? Am I the only one that feels this way?

Debi

[Cat]

I'm so sorry for this. I know I would not be happy if my husband was flirting with other women. However, I do know some people are natural flirts and it doesn't mean anything other than being friendly to them and they don't realize what its coming off like to others. Could that be the case here? If it is, a good heart to heart might help.

[menagerie]

Unfortunately he's not a natural anything. I found out after the fact how much of a fake he was and this girl (I know its not physical) at work that is just a teenager he flirts with on a regular basis. On top of that he doesn't really show me any attention at all but expects me to work my *ss off around this house that was his before I met him. He doesn't seem too interested in anything unless I payin for it. He is payin the bills while I get established in real estate but I think he's got $$$ on the brain though. I just don't understand why I can find a man that really appreciates me for a change.

[TBgirl]

I'm sorry to hear your sad Debi.

I'm very much like you described yourself. I'm very loyal to my bf.

However, as I get older, I realize just how different men and women think. Also, I started getting alot more relaxed over the whole "looking at another females thing". I think there is a tactful way to "look" and it's alot different then glaring at the same person across the room all evening. I am finally to the point in my life where I am comfortable enough to know that there are many other beautiful men/women out there...and looking is natural. Flirting? Well, it all depends I guess. Since you said your hubby is making you feel bad about this...it's just not cool. Trust your instincts. If something doesn't feel right...it probably isn't.

Have you talked to him about this, and told him it bothers you?

I think there are some men that are just dirtbags, and on the opposite end, some woman who are way too jealous and overreact (not saying it's the case here at all). But still, if it's making you feel bad...that says something. I really think you should talk to him if you haven't already.

[TBgirl]

Whoa a teenager? I don't know how old he is but that's not cool. Are your sources reliable?

Never settle for anything but the best :)

[carla]

Good post, TB! I couldn't think of how to put my own thoughts outside of a book, but I think you did well.

[menagerie]

Yes I've talked to him. And the issue starts when I caught him in a lie so I have good reason. Plus the fact that he can find the time to flirt with someone else but can't find the time to offer me any attention at all. I'm not really overly jealous but I have been burned in the past and understand the difference. I'm 41 yrs old so I'm not really a novice at this.

I also know that these days there has been more acceptance of men's bad behavoir from women but that does not make it right. If I can stay true to my man, heart, mind and soul then I should have, at the very least that back or it is not an equal relationship. If you know what I mean....

[carla]

Ew. Lying is my biggest p!$$er. I don't know if I could recover either, menagerie. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. :(

[TBgirl]

Thank you Carla

Debi I do completely agree with you on the whole fact that bad behavior from men has become much more accepted. So he doesn't really spend alot of time with you, and isn't very affectionate? I'd have a big time problem with that. I don't like lies one bit. If you don't mind my asking, how long have you been with him??

[menagerie]

Unfortunately 4 years nows. I keep making excuses and like most women I pass his bad behavior off but tonite it just hit me like a load of bricks. I'm really tired of women (me particularly) being second class and having to stand by while our men lear after other women. I'm very Christain and don't believe that's the way God intended it. Why should us as women have a lesser standing in life but bear more responsiblilty? Thats not the way it should be. Right now our men are no better than 2 year olds (excluding you who actually take responsibility) and we are like their mothers. Its not the lot in life I wanted nor desire.

[WashingtonBay]

That's a very hard kind of depressed. I'm sure sorry.

[lovesfortune]

Sorry you are going through all of this menagerie. I'm sorry to say he sounds like he needs to get a clue. If this has been going on for four years you need to take a stand and say you aren't/can't going to deal with the lack of attention, lying, etc. anymore. Maybe he will realize how much you mean to him and that you mean business. YOU need to take care of YOU. ((hugs)) We're here for you.

[menagerie]

Thank you WB I really needed that support tonite.

[cloedoll]

I'm only a teenager, but I'm really sorry your going through this. :( You definitely deserve better.
(((hugs)))

[TBgirl]

I hear ya. Just my opinion (and I'm saying this without knowing the particulars) BUT...if you are having to make excuses, and you don't feel your getting what you need out of him as a partner that's major. It really is sad that woman tend to take on the mother role, isn't it? It does seem like some men (not all) never grow up. I'm not bashing guys, I do believe there are many good men out there...I just think there happen to be a larger amount of duds.

Have you ever read the book "He's just not that into you" by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo? It's corny as hell, but really has some good points about all the excuses woman make for men, and how they get shorted in their relationships. It explains how so many of us woman hold onto bad relationships (even if there is not much were getting from it) just to have something. I found the book to be interesting. Just be strong and trust yourself!

[menagerie]

Thanks TBgirl. Funny but that sounds just like my situation. I tend to be very forgiving and always try to find the good in a person but in relationships it has never worked out for me. I'm gonna check out that book!

[menagerie]

Oh and thank you too Cloedoll for you support, it really means alot to me!

[Sundays Man]

Menagerie, is your husband also a Christian? I'm sorry you are going through this.

[Equine_Woman]

I 100% agree that there is an extreme injustice in a partner that doesn't hold the same commitment as you do. I hope that you can work it out or find a way to get what you deserve!

[Mandzanita]

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this kind of behavior from your husband...it's got to be one of the worst feelings :( I second the recommendation of that book TBgirl suggested. I actually listened to the book on tape (or CD) in my car and it was awesome. It won't feel super awesome if you find that you're man is using these same excuses with you but it will re-affirm that your feelings are NOT unwarrented. I really hope you are able to find a way to work things out. No fun :( We are all here for you though!! :)

[JackieB]

I'm sorry to hear of your sadness, menagerie.

[SedonaThunder]

Hey Deb, I haven't been logged on at all today so I missed this... I am so sorry that you are sad. My husband and I went through a rough spell around this time last year so I know how hard it can be and how much it can hurt. I hope that you can work through this and that things will get better... and if not I hope you are strong enough to move on. Please know there are many prayers going out to you and that you can always email for my number if you want to talk. Hugs. :)

[TheBadLands]

My boyfriend and I both understand that looking happens. We both do it...

When one of us stops looking.... then the other is going to worry.

[oursarge]

I'm really sorry. I don't know why people can be such jerks. The sad thing is there are so many people who think it's just the way it should be. When my cousin's husband was cheating on her she went to her minister and the answer was "Boys will be boys"!!!! I couldn't believe it. Wonder what he would have said if she was cheating?

My man works with a bunch of women, most way younger than he is, all pretty. Thankfully he's cluelesss. I guess I got lucky for right now because most times the most beautiful girl can walk by and he won't even notice. I still worry though because I think some day the right one might go by and he will notice.....especially if she is domestic like Martha Stewart. I'm pretty insecure because I feel like I'm not the best as far as wives go. I hate to cook, I hate to clean, I enjoy my animals and they are well taken care of but I don't take the best care of him. I feel guilty about it. I love him more than anything but I don't feel like I"m a great wife, I feel like I need a wife! Thankfully he hasn't noticed yet. It's been 31 yrs and we're still together but I never feel 100% secure.

I think a woman [or man] deserves better than a spouse who is looking at other people and flirting. That's just wrong, really makes the other feel bad.

[TheBadLands]

I think, and no one take offense, that human nature is to look at other people and things. Not always in a sexual way. But we all do it. We are all people watchers to some extent. Flirting? Don't see where that is acceptable. But looking? It's not a big deal.

If the single act of looking at someone of the opposite sex REALLY gets the partner self conscious and down, then there are some inside things for you to be working on. With the media the way it is, there is a bikin clad woman on every other commercial. You can't expect a man to change the channel or shut his eyes every time it happens. It's a surreal expectation.

[Ms Eddi]

I used to be real relaxed about hubby's flirting and that came to a bad ending. He no longer even looks, cause if he does, his bags will be packed and on the front lawn. I'm sorry this is happening to you and I know what it feels like but sometimes they need a harsh reality check.

[Toodlestoo]

If I'm honest with myself, I know I would be really upset if my husband flirted with anyone else. A few words is fine but out and out flirting--that's insulting to you especially if he knows it hurts your feelings. Seems to me there are much deeper problems going on here than just his flirting. Maybe counseling?

[mandisue]

This is the one thing that I don't have to worry about with hubs, he has never, while we've been together flirted with another woman. HOWEVER, he doens't like to go out and works with his dad, so theres not much chance for him to. I admit I have a HORRIBLE jealousy problem, and he has an ex ( my step sons mom) who we deal with on a weekly basis, thankfully I've gradually gotten over that, but when we first got together she called him ALL the time "just to talk" and it drove me nutts, they no longer do that. But anyhoo, enough of that, I know what you mean about the less attention stuff. Hubs isn't one to offer compliments often or say sweet nothings in my ear or anything, he did when we were dating but no more. His thought is we're married, that's enough... and like you,I feel he should give me more attention at times, but we are together and happy so I deal with it. Lol I love him. BUT as everyone else said. I'd look into this with your hub and give him some reality check... Sounds like more than flirty stuff.

[FoxFireEMT]

I'd agree with TB's first post. I really couldn't put it any better. I feel the same way that she does. I know my hubby looks at other women but I also know he comes home to me every night & he's with me. NOW with that being said it sounds to me like there is more to the story then just the looking & flirting. Trust issues & I really can't blame you from what you said you have seen & heard. Like some others have said listen to your heart & gut! That is one thing that I always play on ~ my "GUT" has never steered me wrong! I wish you the best of luck on working through this issue!

[AppyLover]

menagerie,

I am sorry you are dealing with this. It is hard on the heart when your other half doesn't make you feel whole. I wish I could offer advice but all I have is an ear and a shoulder. There are good men out there, please put yourself first even if it is hard and accept nothing but the best.

[menagerie]

Wow, thanks to all who took the time to send a reply. I really appreciate it.

First I'll just tell you all I'm a total IDIOT! There are really long term issues with my marriage. We lived together for awhile and about a year after I moved in I 'discovered' how much he lied and other things. Well I did confront him and after deciding to leave (even though I really couldn't afford it!) He suddenly changed and asked me to stay, I did. Later I found him still to be lying over stupid stuff and we got into that as well.

Problem for me at that time was we'd been together so long (living together for 2-3 years at that point) that I felt like I had too much invested and I KNOW thats the wrong thing to do. After we got married he now doesn't really pay much attention to me at all unless he wants something. And NEVER tells me I'm pretty or compliments me on anything unless I ask him which kinda negates it. I try and talk to him and he agrees and promises to do better but its just hot air because he doens't do anything. I've bought him books and such but he won't read them. So I don't know what else I could do.

Someone in this thread asked if he was a Christian too.... well he said he was until he saw me taking a spiritual gifts test on the computer and wanted to take it too until about the third question and he said 'this is all christian stuff I don't know anything about that' while I sat there dumbfounded.

Oh and the girl that he flirts with that I know of is one that works in the office (he drives a truck) and when we got together I found a sheet that she printed out for him for his birthday all cute and frilly signed xoxoxoxo. So she's not someone I randomly came across and he keeps saying 'we're just friends theres nothing going on'. Now I'm really not an overly jealous person but I have been burned before and regardless I feel like if he's not even paying me attention then why should someone else get it from him! And to have a man that feels it necessary to check out the 'hot' girls is just disrespectful to me.

Maybe I'm too old fashioned but theres just not enough respect and commitment in this world we live in anymore. Anyway I don't have a clue what to do now, I mean he'll change long enough for me to quit saying I'm leaving but I can't live in a perpetual state of 'I'm leaving' and I can't seem to get thru to him. We used to go to church but he was just checking out the girls there instead of listening to the sermon, I'm at a loss...

Sorry this post is so long but if anyone has any suggestions on how to get him to REALLY listen and make a TRUE change I'm dying to hear it.

[AppyLover]

Hang in there girl. We can't tell you what to do that is an answer only you can have. But we can help you to see that you are special and deserve to be treated as such. If he can't see that his loss, because a forum of over 100+ members can see it through our typed conversations with you. DO NOT sacrifice yourself. We are here for you. (((HUGS)))

[Toodlestoo]

Hang in there girl. We can't tell you what to do that is an answer only you can have. But we can help you to see that you are special and deserve to be treated as such. If he can't see that his loss, because a forum of over 100+ members can see it through our typed conversations with you. DO NOT sacrifice yourself. We are here for you. (((HUGS)))


Beautifully said! http://bestsmileys.com/comfort/1.gif

[starkitten]

I'm so sorry Menagerie :( I'm kinda in the same situation myself although I am not married. We have lived together for about 8 years though. I haven't figured out a way to make him listen. Doesn't pay attention at all to me anymore, doesn't care what I do as long as I don't bug him. I have just shut him out at this point to see if he will take notice - if he does not well I dunno what will happen. It is tiresome. Seems like everyone else in the world is important except me. I know how you feel {{hugs}}.

[menagerie]

Thanks Appy that brought a tear to my eye. I really appreciate your words. And Starkitten I'm sorry to hear you have a similar situation, its very lonely isn't it? I keep thinking to myself if I stay in the marriage what I will have to look forward to when I'm old and sitting on the front porch. Alot of regrets? I certainly don't want that!

[magayle]

oh how i remember 4 years into a relationship - not a happy place...i think what got us thru the rough spot was my deciding that i needed to make myself happy doing stuff i really enjoyed without expecting him to be there...i didn't have to deal with the trust thing tho and doubt i could have stayed around without it...i feel bad for ya hon:(

[starkitten]

I agree with magayle - do stuff that makes you happy. That's what I do now - if he doesn't ever get a clue - I'm walking. At this point it wouldn't take much.

I've spent a heck of alot more time with my horse and my friends to make me happy. I used to be to busy figuring out was wrong with the relationship.

Hang in there - I know it is lonely. You sound like a strong person - if you need us we will be here :)

[Ariesgrl131]

I'd leave him.....Way to many fish in the sea for me to be unappreciated....

[mandisue]

yes I believe you packing up and leaving, if only for a few days may wake him up. could you stay with a friend? see how he feels after you've been gone for a few days. As aries girl says, plenty more fish in the sea, that will appreciate thee!

[magayle]

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish
you were married, or wish you weren't married, this
is something to smile about the next time you see a
bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said:

'Good trade.....'

[TBgirl]

Debi- (This is completely MY opinion)...

People RARELY change. Some do, most don't. I'm going to tell you the same thing I told a couple of close friends when they were in similar situations. Get out of the bad situation asap and surround yourself with positive people! Life is short, and before you know it more wasted time with him will go by. If the person your with is making you feel bad on a regular basis...your not with the right person. Call it a learning experience and get the heck away from him! He doesn't deserve you and there are much nicer people out there.

I do believe in second chances in some circumstances (if a guy told major lies or cheated I would NEVER give another chance). But how many chances do you give? ...And the teenager giving him xoxoxo cards...It would make me want to puke! You'll know when YOUR ready to leave his sorry butt behind. You have to do it in your own time. When someone isn't kind...you really get sick of it after a while. Feelings fade...and that's when you'll be able to put all your efforts into making yourself happy again! :)