I need some advice, and prayers

[vicklynn]

Long story short, cause it would take forever to go over my childhood and young adult life.
Dad, married to mom, they divorced, their issue.
Dad, married to Cinderellas mom, really caused issues in the family, so many yrs ago, but he divorced her, Im grown, I have gotten past the issues. Remember them yes, forgive them, yes.
Dad, married to a good woman, they are a great team.

My sister, holds everything hostage, from my parents divorce to today.
Her and my dad do not speak, that is their issue.
She continually attacks my dad via emails, has gone to see him when he was in the hospital and got thrown out, by nursing staff, and close to having security involved.
She continually brings up my issues(which Ive over come)to my dad, she holds them, I dont.
She continually brings up my brothers issues, which are theirs, not hers, to my dad.
She is and has seen multiple psychiatrists and therapists, has bi-polar, takes meds, and still is on the attack, she uses our(the siblings)issues we had with dad, and adds them to hers for the pshyciatrists and therapists. I have seen her notes.
I am at and end with her. She wont stop, this has gone back way way way to many yrs.
I do not know what to say to her, without her attacking and or blaming my dad, for me wanting to drop her like a hot nail.
I am shaking as the last 2 days, I have seen 2 awful emails to my dad, and his response.
She will not stop involving us, the siblings, in her stuff.
We have told her to stop, many times.
I need prayers for strength in the right way to talk to her, without her yelling at me, and accusing dad, for me not wanting to talk to her anymore.

[Gypsy Rose]

Yikes! Wish I knew what to tell you- all I can do is let you know that you'll be in my thoughts. Hopefully, someone will be able to come up with some ideas to help you deal with this.

Since my mother and I are almost always at sword's points, I would be the last person to give you advice, lol!

[Remali]

Oh Vick......I can sort of understand what it is you are going thru. I wish I knew what to say to help..... I have (had) a similar situation with my older sister....I now have nothing at all to do with her, and I have not talked to her or seen her in over a year, I'm not even sure where she is but last I knew she was out in Colorado, for me having my sister totally out of my life has helped me (my sister was also very nasty and she had a bad temper and was just out of control). I know that it always isn't possible to totally break ties with family, but sometimes it may be the only way to get one's life back to normal (my sister did so many nasty things it about ruined my health from all the stress).

[lovesfortune]

Wow. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this Vick and your sister just won't leave you out of her issues. I am sending you positive thoughts, strength and prayers for you to figure out what to do in your heart.

[gaited07]

Wow. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this Vick and your sister just won't leave you out of her issues. I am sending you positive thoughts, strength and prayers for you to figure out what to do in your heart.

Ditto!

With lots of ((((HUGS))))

[Ranger44]

Sorry to hear this Vick. Thoughts and prayers here too!

[CircleR]

Oh yes vicky, I'll pray for God to give you the wisdom and strength to tell her what she needs to hear. And I'll pray for her to have an open heart and understanding ear to what you have to tell her. Good luck, I sure hope all of this will get resolved for you Vicky and if not, the peace to accept it will never change.

[WashingtonBay]

Well, this situation is really hard, and I won't pretend to be able to solve it.

But it would probably be to everyone's benefit for you and dad to change email addresses and don't give her the new one. Don't read, reply or forward any more of them.

She's thriving on it, for whatever reason, and she probably will, for as long as she has an audience. You can tell her to stop again, but the more controllable advice might be for you to stop. Stop listening to it. If she calls, say "I'm not doing this" and hang up.

[vicklynn]

Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts.
Good thing is. It'll free up 2 days, as Im not going to the sibling reunion at her house. It wouldnt be pretty.
So now I need to reschedule a few things. LOL

WB, good idea, or I can put her in my ignore list. Maybe change my phone number too.
Im sure Id get a letter in the mail though, all drawn out and 84 pages of her being a victim, and its all dads fault. Sorry, that wasnt nice, but it's true.

[SedonaThunder]

I was planning to say something very similar to what WB said. It sounds to me like there isn't a "right way" to talk to her - you've tried. Do you think you could just not talk to her... don't answer the phone if it's her, delete her email - just disappear from her life. It's not like she wouldn't know why you were doing it as it sounds like you've told her. I feel like that would be much easier on you than trying to talk to her - you've already spent too much time being stressed by this and having bad memories brought up. You don't need this and you owe it to yourself to get away from it in order for you to be healthy and happy and not drug down. Good luck... you'll be in my prayers.

[WashingtonBay]

If it is true, don't read it. :)

I know it's hard. Family is much more complicated than an unhealthy friendship is. But in this case, I don't think you need to participate in it if it's not healthy for YOU.

It'd be nice if your dad would do the same, but it's complicated for him too, and you can't control that either.

[vicklynn]

Ill talk with Dad, tell him to longer read her emails, to delete them, no matter how much his interest is peeked.
I think that is a good thing for us to do.
Thanks for the help, thoughts and prayers.
Oh ya, Ill put the letter in the burn pile.
I will hope that curiosity dosnt get the best of me.

[lovesfortune]

I agree with WB and Sedona... I think it's best for you to just cut all contact with her and leave it at that. Explain to your dad your feelings, so he is aware and it's not brought up with lies on your sister's part. and just try to get on with your life.

I had issues with my dad for many years and they all came to a head when I was planning my son's 1st birthday. My parents have been divorce 10+ years and BOTH remarried. My dad still brings up things from way back when about my mom, etc. I had to cut him out of my life for about 6 months because I couldn't deal with it. We ended up talking again and now our relationship is better.

Point being, it was hard for me to cut my dad out of my life because he's FAMILY, but I had to do what was best for ME and my family (hubby, kids, etc.) It worked out for me and I hope it works out for you.

[vicklynn]

My dad and I talk. I emailed him after her email, told him that my issues are in the past.
He already knows this, but after the crud in the email, I just wanted to reassured him.
I am going to email my eldest bother and my dad, let them know what my plans are, and to ask my dad not to open her emails, or letters, if she knows his address. Im telling my eldest brother, because he will back me on this, even though he will still talk with her, that is his business. Unless he is tired of it too, I dont know, I got a "good one" from him, about an email I sent to the family, about me coming home saying I didnt want any f*&$ing family feuds(hearing stuff about dad from her). And the sega continues,,,gesh, guess that email didnt get through to her hu? Awwwwwww.

[carla]

Well, this situation is really hard, and I won't pretend to be able to solve it.

But it would probably be to everyone's benefit for you and dad to change email addresses and don't give her the new one. Don't read, reply or forward any more of them.

She's thriving on it, for whatever reason, and she probably will, for as long as she has an audience. You can tell her to stop again, but the more controllable advice might be for you to stop. Stop listening to it. If she calls, say "I'm not doing this" and hang up.

Whew! This is all I can think to do.. quote. (((hugs))) to you, Vicklynn.. I'm thinking of you and your family on this one.

[Country Girl 43]

Aww Vick...I know what you are going through. I went through similiar things with my mom before she passed last year. I always kept my friendship with her....or at least tried because I knew one day, she would die before me.

I know it's hard, but if you do get curious and read the e-mails or the letters, just WAIT a few days before responding. That way you will cool off and we all know that cooler heads prevail. Don't fuel the fire as that is what she is looking for.

I also had knock down drag outs with my dads new wife! I had to make a decision not to visit him because I couldn't stand to be around her. She was just EVIL! He just divorced her this year so I am doing the happy dance and so is he!!! :)

[starr]

sending prayers for you and hugs, wish i had answers for you, i think all you can do is just pray for her.

again prayer and hugs are sent

[vicklynn]

Ya know CG, I havent even talked or emailed her about this, this time. It has gone on since 1990, and continued constantly, she being the instigator each time, dragging us kids into it each time, and we have over the yrs asked her not to, hung up on her, got in yelling matches with her, and she still continues. So, this time, Im just closing the door. She will have to figure out why I dont answer her emails, calls and lastly, why, after 5 1/2 yrs, come to visit my family, I did not visit her.
Thanks for the advice about reading and waiting IF she sends anything. I think it better not to look though, cause it raises my hair on my neck every time.

[vicklynn]

I had a talk with my eldest brother and my dad tonight. Both were very good talks.
I think I got my dad to understand not to read the emails, ect.
I told my brother about me not going to the "sibling reunion". That he will not have to worry about answering where I am at, cause he wont know, so all he has to say is, I dont know. He wont, so he wont be lieing.
Im writing down my itinerary for Wa, and boy has it changed...lol
Love it, gonna be a great time.

[JackieB]

I agree with everyone else, Vick. It took me a long time to realize that I could exercise some control in similar situation by not participating in increasing my own stress and suffering. Deleting e-mails, not picking up the phone, avoiding family reunions, and so on are unfortunate things to have to do, but are probably most healthy for everyone.

There is one other thing that you might be able to keep in mind. It has helped me at times. Your sister is lashing out at everyone in ways that aren't acceptable. Everybody knows that. But inside, she's probably suffering the most. Resentment, of which she has so much, eats up the one doing the resenting, not those who are the targets of the resentment. That's one of the reasons why forgiveness is so important aside from any religious reasons - it allows us to begin to heal and be happy again. And perhaps holding that thought in your heart will help you continue to love her as much as ever as your sister even though you can't stay in touch with her.

[Equine_Woman]

I have no advice. I think your plan of action is a wise one. Big hugs from me too. It's tough to have sibling or heck any family drama. There comes a point in life where we all have to stand up and realize we decide what happens in our lives and we can't blame our parents for it. I hope she comes to that point soon.

[rockyridge]

you are choosing well after good advice ,thought and prayer......it is hard not to read what comes....but she is not well and the sickness is in her heart and you should not have to read the words and carry the pain they give.......love you vick...

[Arrow]

Can your dad get a new email address? I have no other advice, but I'll send ((((hugs))))) and keep you and your family in my thoughts. Will be on the lookout for updates.:) Looks like you've gotten some good advice here, good luck over the next few days.

[lovesfortune]

I'm glad you had a good talk with your brother and your dad and they understand your course of action. Even though you were going to do it regardless, it's nice to have some backing knowing they are alright with it all.

I hope you have a great, stress free trip!

[Ms Eddi]

Vicki, my prayers are with you and like WB said, I would change my emails (you and your dad). Maybe you could arrange to talk to her with a professional present or a pastor. It's very hard to forgive and forget and I commend you on doing so. You can't protect your dad or your sister from their issues, you can only convey to her that you have forgiven and wish to not be involved. This worry for everyone but yourself is gonna hurt you more than anybody. Just my two cents.

[Steelhorserider]

Vicklynn---sorry you ar going through this. Your sister has tried to draw you into this to make your Dad feel doubly guilty about the past. It is good that you have worked your way through your past with your Dad and moved on but obviously your sister hasn't. Please don't let her drag you into her drama and reverse your progress. The advice to hit the ignor button is a good one and make sure you have call id. You may also refuse any mail she sends her as long as you don't open it. Stop all contact with her until she gets control of her anger or she will try to pull you into her world of hate and anger.

[rums_mom]

Very well said as usual, JackieB.

Do what you need to do to sever the ties if that is what it is going to take.
Chalk me up to having a controlling, manipulative, expert on everything sister. I finally had it with her last March. She tried to shut me out of having anything to do with my mother when she was ill, using the excuse that my mother told her not to tell me. Even though every one in the family knew including my cousins in LasVegas, California and everywhere else. She went so far as to tell everyone not to tell me my mother was in ICU. I put up with it, tried to get past it and last March we had our final argrument. Since then I have come to realize that my mom said this to her when she was extremely ill and not in her right mind but my sister chose to use it to not tell me. It still hurts that I was not able to really say goodbye to my mother because my sister controlled everything. I tried to keep the peace because that is what my mother would have wanted but I just couldn't put myself through dealing with her anymore. My bil is a saint for putting up with her all these years.

You have worked hard to get past this Vicki. Don't let your sister sabotage your progress. This is her baggage and her problem to deal with.

My dad lives with my sister and her husband in VT, they sold their house in Chicago this summer and moved to VT permanently. I call my dad at least once a week to check in. He is busy renovating an old house they bought to use as a retreat. My sister has not only chosen to exclude me from her life but also my kids. My dad knows that we are on the outs and I know it hurts him, he asked what happened and I told him I just couldn't deal with her anymore. I needed someone to confide in and talk to about something personal and instead of being an understanding sister and listening, she chose to criticize me and attack me. That is her loss..............